Sunday, October 22, 2006

if i lay here.. if i just lay here..would you lie with me and just forget the world

There are moments in my life where i just wanna give up. Give up fighting to survive each day as a normal sane human being. I sit here typing out word after word when i really just want to smash up anything. everything. I want to scream, i want to hurt, physically, so maybe i'll forget about the emotional pain. I want to shout at all the people who have caused me pain, I want them to feel the pain they have inflicted.

I wanna lie in the middle of the road, look up at the sky and wait for something, anything.

Yeah. If i just lay here, if i just lay here would you lie with me and forget the world?

Friday, August 18, 2006

How much does a Life Jacket cost?

Some people have really pushed me to the edge.

And i feel like jumping.

Wished I could release all that pent up frustration that is tearing my psyche apart. Ever felt that kind of anger and hurt? Where it hits you right in the chest like a punch knocking the wind outta yer. That dull ache that lingers after the attacker has finally stopped. It plagues me repeatedly.

Wished I had learnt my lesson the first time round. Instead of coming back for seconds and third helpings like a heroin addict unable to withstand the withdrawal.

A true expose of a real life drama that i used to believe only happen in the movies. We feel so safe in our tiny island that we have let our guard down that there might be evil lurking next door. A true blue bastard who has in part destroyed my life as I know it. I'd like to believe there is good in everyone but maybe God bypassed some leaving them defective of a conscience.

And i have tried everything within my power to rid myself of this evil being, from threats, to the police, to legal advice and yet every avenue has only produced a dead end. The police say there is only intention of harassment, no real physical hurt afflicted even though they saw the fear in my eyes and the physical damage to my car. The law says i can't sue for money owed without proper documentation that there was a loan in the first place. And yet maybe it was the psychological mind fucking that caused the most damage. An elaborate scheme that involved bogus phone calls pretending to talk to someone when there was no one there, just to cover up lies with more lies. Or maybe it's the text msges using other people's mobile to plant ideas into my receptive mind when they were just more lies.

The worse part is, I have prove he's hunting again. Preying on gullible, hardworking independent women who for a second would have others believe they are invincible and street smart like I thought I was.

Right now i need to stop drowning. With every minute that passes i'm sinking deeper. How much does it cost to get myself a life jacket?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

A perfect waste of time...

I've been catching up with light blog reading and i have to say that it's a great stress reliever. His waste of time has me thinking i should be surfing more! My most recent waste of time has to be the England-Portugal match. Yes, it is inevitible i would join in the World Cup discussion and i've been a lousy cute-footballer groupie for not discussing the hottest topic in town for June 2006. I'm not an England fan (please stop throwing those rotten tomatoes at me!!!) so the only reason i watched was cus you have to admit they probably have the highest statistic of good looking players along with glamourous WAGGS (which i found out from my gal friend stands for Wifes and Girl Friends of England players). This match has been the ONLY match i have been able to watch from beginning to end for this World Cup and i'll admit right now i fell asleep during the second half and only woke up during the extra time when it looked like someone might actually score. My girlfriend and i passed time by counting the munber of times the commentator said 'Miguel'(should have been Portugal's man of the match in our opinion) had possession of the ball. By full time, she had left our soccer watching venue and i had lost count after 25.

I don't think i have to repeat how disappointing England's performance was to the millions of England fans and those who had looked to Rooney for some direction. Fans can now safely conclude he is unpredictable, temperamental and very ugly. Sounds kinda like the bad boyfriend we've all had at some point in our lives. He'll probably only realise what an ass he was ten years later that he lost his temper at such a crucial moment at the expense of his country's glory. Guess it was a case of zero when he could have been hero. Ronaldo will always be blamed for pushing Rooney's buttons which only adds to his dark, portugese bad-boy factor. I'm only glad i didn't bet on this match cus alot of my friends have lost money following their hearts with England. I did however win money on the France-Spain match and will be studying the odds for the semis and finals for which i will place money on France after they won me money in the France-Spain encounter (though my dad has already bought Germany to win). These matches hopefully shouldn't be a waste of time.

The Book of Answers

I've been feeling restless again. Could it be the air in Spore? Or maybe it's all the Feng Shui master's talk about it being a good year for those born in the year of the monkey to travel. I've been itching to leave. Again.

At this stage nothing seems concrete, it's too silly a notion to consider just quiting my cushy job with no alternative. I've got bills to pay and my mouth to feed. But this past half a year has subjected me once again to new levels of revelations i never thought possible. True to my usual unpredictable neurotic nature, i asked a good friend to recommend me for a job in HK. Again.

Not sure whether i am going down the right track, i decided to consult a very unlikely advisor, a book which a friend bought for me as a joke a few years ago. The acclaimed author, Carol Bolt, has made a tiny fortune from one liner answers which put good friends' advice to shame. My favourite answers are 'Yes' and "No', something which many friends and loved ones refuse to voice out for fear of insulting my pride with blunt directness. Carol must have spent many nights mulling over which of the two: 'Laugh About It' or 'Use your Imagination', is a better answer and probably decided to just have both in her book. Either way, sometimes one liners are the best advice when drawn out conversations just leave one wanting and more confused.

This might just be the answer i'm looking for. Just maybe. Again.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

moshi moshi!!

When you've had a stressful and tiring day at work, all you wanna do is go home, have a hot shower, nice dinner and have a good laugh. The Japanese are pretty stressed up people themselves and what better way to lighten all that unecessary pressure than to laugh at yourself and your fellow countrymen. Singaporeans are pretty boring people so i chose to laugh at the japanese instead.

Enjoy and laugh yer ass off...and i mean it literally laugh yer ass off. =p

Saturday, June 24, 2006

20th June 2006: Till death do us part...

They say that there are a few days in June 2006 which are good for marriage unions and i know many couples who are going to make that final commitment on this auspicious occasion. I wish them all the happiness and luck.

Happiness; because i often find my own happiness short lived and therfore believe that those who have found it in a significant other should hang on to it with dear life. It is always worth repeating that one should never take a loved one for granted and should count their lucky stars to be able to say that THEY have someone who would always treat them with respect and care.

Luck; because in life, only a select few will win the top prize. And even those who have been so fortunate to enjoy this windfall have to take care to protect their winnings because it is all too easy to squander it away with foolish gambles.

I say all these because on this day, i start a new chapter in my life as a single individual desparately clinging to the ideal that i will learn to love myself enough before i let someone else into my heart.

In a nutshell, i have committed the offense of falling in love with someone who had already made a committment to marry someone else - an innocent individual none the wiser of my existence and who now has to deal with the fact there was a third party.
It's true i should have run as far as i could with this knowledge, but nectarine sweet words coated my logical reasoning;

promises of cancelling the wedding because i am the real one for him...

promises that he will prove to me that the marriage is only a deal...

the promise that someday i will be the only one.

The ceremony has proceeded as planned, with happy photographs of smiling images that will forever be enshrined within my mind, leaving my bleeding heart trailing in the dust.

These past few months, i have let my standards of right and wrong, black and white be marred by sweet nothings of a person who claimed to love me yet forsaked me. This experience has only reiterated my view that fairy tales are just that, fairy tales never come true.

Don't be mistaken, i still believe in the sanctity of the marriage union, that two individuals so divided by space and time, could bump into each other within this vast cosmic universe and realise that they could hold each other, till death do them part. I'm just a bit tad cynical that it could ever happen to me for i have tried and failed time and again to let someone convince me that i'm the Gem of their life, that i would be the only one to bring them happiness. Bollacks to anyone who could make such a statement for i am still waiting for him to say these things and stay for good.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Celebrating Independence

No, its not National Day yet and trust me, when National Day looms around the corner you will know it what with the bombardment of Spore flags and a daily dosage of National Day songs interrupting my favourite tv programs.

Although I believe that none of us will ever be able to be fuly independent of another being, systems and laws etc, i have come up with a few simple triggers that have been tying me down in recent times.

Independence means being able to buy my own car. CHECK.

Independence means i've stopped hanging onto that deadend relationship which was going no where. CHECK.

Independence means I can sign for purchases without having to worry that my parents will question how I managed to spend $500 at Zouk club in one night. CHECK.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Fu pah to all spammers

Phase of the day: Fu pah!

Origin: orginated from a chink chong gongfu master wannabe who never made it to the Shaolin temple

Definition: an exclaimation of anger and frustration.

Example: All blogs spammers should fu pah! themselves for the inconsiderate invasion of bloggers personal site. (couple with a hand action imitating a slap across the face)

Opened up a can of worms

Enough already!

NO MORE SPAMMING please! Otherwise i will no longer allow comments on this blog...