The Dangers of An Open Heart
My best friend was crying to me on the phone a few days ago. Her totally devoted and sweet bf had gone off the deep end, went back to smoking after one year and started to push her away and was watching Euro 04 with his mates every night. She's convinced it isn't just cus the esteemed Euro Cup cometh but once every 2 years, She's angry and hurt that he is pushing her away.
And why shouldn't she be?
This guy had, up till this point, promised her the world, filled with love and a marriage in the books; been patient and sweet, considerate, listened to her every fear, tried to curb every insecurity and most importantly, had tried to change for her. (as a smoker i know this daunting task is next to impossible)
This same friend has been reprimanding me for some time for fearing love, for choosing a safe option of being with someone i could never totally fall in love with so that i would always retain a certain amount of self control.
Secretly, i've admired her courage of holding onto the notion that love conquers all and that with 'the one', everything will fall into place and he will be everything she wants.
I decided i would let go of my controlled behavior which had been gathering dust for some time now. Being in a foreign land has also opened up the floodgates to taking more risks that i usually would since there is virtually no one here to judge me.
So when i met him, i took a plunge against my better judgement, against my usually level headed self in choosing a bf, not caring two hoots about the expiration date on my stay in HK, not caring that he's more than a decade older (see you are judging aren't you?!), or that he has a 7-year relationship that ended only cus he didn't want to marry her and she was pressuring him. It was no doubt a flurry of confusion in the beginning cus it's so hard to distinguish infatuation from love.
Now im leaving in a week. And things are not going well anymore.
And then it hit me, i had actually fallen in love.
How did i know this?
Cus every time i look at him, every emotion floods my consciousness at lightning speed, each trying to capture my attention in a fleeting split second; the fear, insecurity, desire, warmth, frustration, happiness, sadness, passion, ,melancholy, joy...
any emotion associated with describing how one would feel when... in love.
I realized that when one opens up their hearts, they are subjected to extreme emotions and their senses are heightened to every detail of the loved one. You can imagine just how dangerous this is...one ends up vulnerable to all sorts of erratic behaviour and reactions that would be unbecoming of mature, controlled individuals.
I can't complete this entry, Cus i don't know how it ends. But i do know i'm in danger.
And why shouldn't she be?
This guy had, up till this point, promised her the world, filled with love and a marriage in the books; been patient and sweet, considerate, listened to her every fear, tried to curb every insecurity and most importantly, had tried to change for her. (as a smoker i know this daunting task is next to impossible)
This same friend has been reprimanding me for some time for fearing love, for choosing a safe option of being with someone i could never totally fall in love with so that i would always retain a certain amount of self control.
Secretly, i've admired her courage of holding onto the notion that love conquers all and that with 'the one', everything will fall into place and he will be everything she wants.
I decided i would let go of my controlled behavior which had been gathering dust for some time now. Being in a foreign land has also opened up the floodgates to taking more risks that i usually would since there is virtually no one here to judge me.
So when i met him, i took a plunge against my better judgement, against my usually level headed self in choosing a bf, not caring two hoots about the expiration date on my stay in HK, not caring that he's more than a decade older (see you are judging aren't you?!), or that he has a 7-year relationship that ended only cus he didn't want to marry her and she was pressuring him. It was no doubt a flurry of confusion in the beginning cus it's so hard to distinguish infatuation from love.
Now im leaving in a week. And things are not going well anymore.
And then it hit me, i had actually fallen in love.
How did i know this?
Cus every time i look at him, every emotion floods my consciousness at lightning speed, each trying to capture my attention in a fleeting split second; the fear, insecurity, desire, warmth, frustration, happiness, sadness, passion, ,melancholy, joy...
any emotion associated with describing how one would feel when... in love.
I realized that when one opens up their hearts, they are subjected to extreme emotions and their senses are heightened to every detail of the loved one. You can imagine just how dangerous this is...one ends up vulnerable to all sorts of erratic behaviour and reactions that would be unbecoming of mature, controlled individuals.
I can't complete this entry, Cus i don't know how it ends. But i do know i'm in danger.
3 Comments:
i hate euro04. when is it gonna end? guys are too one-track mind. they wanna focus on fun and not the turd during soccer frenzy period.
all i can say is make a better judgement and fall into it only when you're sure the guy's the right one. i don't regret opening my heart. it's better to have loved and say you have put in your best (if you really love the guy) than hold back and not let the person you love know how much you love him..
sigh. you say your best friend has too high demands/expectations. but she's already very low maintenance and don't expect material stuff ya know. i doubt she'll mind a ring though just to show true sincerity but i guess it's something that every girl who's deeply in love wants at the end of the day. how're ya babes? gimme a call whenever you can ok? and let me know when you are coming back, official. maybe can pick you up or something but daddy will probably do that already right :)
Danger? What danger? Falling in love is the scariest thrill. Don't be afraid of it. Actually, be afraid of it. Actually, no. Then again, maybe. But as always, I also don't know.
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