Lost In Transition

if i lay here.. if i just lay here..would you lie with me and just forget the world

2006-10-22T23:20:00.000+08:00

There are moments in my life where i just wanna give up. Give up fighting to survive each day as a normal sane human being. I sit here typing out word after word when i really just want to smash up anything. everything. I want to scream, i want to hurt, physically, so maybe i'll forget about the emotional pain. I want to shout at all the people who have caused me pain, I want them to feel the pain they have inflicted.

I wanna lie in the middle of the road, look up at the sky and wait for something, anything.

Yeah. If i just lay here, if i just lay here would you lie with me and forget the world?

How much does a Life Jacket cost?

2006-08-18T02:51:00.000+08:00

Some people have really pushed me to the edge.

And i feel like jumping.

Wished I could release all that pent up frustration that is tearing my psyche apart. Ever felt that kind of anger and hurt? Where it hits you right in the chest like a punch knocking the wind outta yer. That dull ache that lingers after the attacker has finally stopped. It plagues me repeatedly.

Wished I had learnt my lesson the first time round. Instead of coming back for seconds and third helpings like a heroin addict unable to withstand the withdrawal.

A true expose of a real life drama that i used to believe only happen in the movies. We feel so safe in our tiny island that we have let our guard down that there might be evil lurking next door. A true blue bastard who has in part destroyed my life as I know it. I'd like to believe there is good in everyone but maybe God bypassed some leaving them defective of a conscience.

And i have tried everything within my power to rid myself of this evil being, from threats, to the police, to legal advice and yet every avenue has only produced a dead end. The police say there is only intention of harassment, no real physical hurt afflicted even though they saw the fear in my eyes and the physical damage to my car. The law says i can't sue for money owed without proper documentation that there was a loan in the first place. And yet maybe it was the psychological mind fucking that caused the most damage. An elaborate scheme that involved bogus phone calls pretending to talk to someone when there was no one there, just to cover up lies with more lies. Or maybe it's the text msges using other people's mobile to plant ideas into my receptive mind when they were just more lies.

The worse part is, I have prove he's hunting again. Preying on gullible, hardworking independent women who for a second would have others believe they are invincible and street smart like I thought I was.

Right now i need to stop drowning. With every minute that passes i'm sinking deeper. How much does it cost to get myself a life jacket?

A perfect waste of time...

2006-07-04T05:21:00.000+08:00

I've been catching up with light blog reading and i have to say that it's a great stress reliever. His waste of time has me thinking i should be surfing more! My most recent waste of time has to be the England-Portugal match. Yes, it is inevitible i would join in the World Cup discussion and i've been a lousy cute-footballer groupie for not discussing the hottest topic in town for June 2006. I'm not an England fan (please stop throwing those rotten tomatoes at me!!!) so the only reason i watched was cus you have to admit they probably have the highest statistic of good looking players along with glamourous WAGGS (which i found out from my gal friend stands for Wifes and Girl Friends of England players). This match has been the ONLY match i have been able to watch from beginning to end for this World Cup and i'll admit right now i fell asleep during the second half and only woke up during the extra time when it looked like someone might actually score. My girlfriend and i passed time by counting the munber of times the commentator said 'Miguel'(should have been Portugal's man of the match in our opinion) had possession of the ball. By full time, she had left our soccer watching venue and i had lost count after 25.

I don't think i have to repeat how disappointing England's performance was to the millions of England fans and those who had looked to Rooney for some direction. Fans can now safely conclude he is unpredictable, temperamental and very ugly. Sounds kinda like the bad boyfriend we've all had at some point in our lives. He'll probably only realise what an ass he was ten years later that he lost his temper at such a crucial moment at the expense of his country's glory. Guess it was a case of zero when he could have been hero. Ronaldo will always be blamed for pushing Rooney's buttons which only adds to his dark, portugese bad-boy factor. I'm only glad i didn't bet on this match cus alot of my friends have lost money following their hearts with England. I did however win money on the France-Spain match and will be studying the odds for the semis and finals for which i will place money on France after they won me money in the France-Spain encounter (though my dad has already bought Germany to win). These matches hopefully shouldn't be a waste of time.

The Book of Answers

2006-07-04T04:01:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling restless again. Could it be the air in Spore? Or maybe it's all the Feng Shui master's talk about it being a good year for those born in the year of the monkey to travel. I've been itching to leave. Again.

At this stage nothing seems concrete, it's too silly a notion to consider just quiting my cushy job with no alternative. I've got bills to pay and my mouth to feed. But this past half a year has subjected me once again to new levels of revelations i never thought possible. True to my usual unpredictable neurotic nature, i asked a good friend to recommend me for a job in HK. Again.

Not sure whether i am going down the right track, i decided to consult a very unlikely advisor, a book which a friend bought for me as a joke a few years ago. The acclaimed author, Carol Bolt, has made a tiny fortune from one liner answers which put good friends' advice to shame. My favourite answers are 'Yes' and "No', something which many friends and loved ones refuse to voice out for fear of insulting my pride with blunt directness. Carol must have spent many nights mulling over which of the two: 'Laugh About It' or 'Use your Imagination', is a better answer and probably decided to just have both in her book. Either way, sometimes one liners are the best advice when drawn out conversations just leave one wanting and more confused.

This might just be the answer i'm looking for. Just maybe. Again.

moshi moshi!!

2006-06-27T18:39:00.000+08:00

When you've had a stressful and tiring day at work, all you wanna do is go home, have a hot shower, nice dinner and have a good laugh. The Japanese are pretty stressed up people themselves and what better way to lighten all that unecessary pressure than to laugh at yourself and your fellow countrymen. Singaporeans are pretty boring people so i chose to laugh at the japanese instead.

Enjoy and laugh yer ass off...and i mean it literally laugh yer ass off. =p

20th June 2006: Till death do us part...

2006-06-24T13:41:00.000+08:00

They say that there are a few days in June 2006 which are good for marriage unions and i know many couples who are going to make that final commitment on this auspicious occasion. I wish them all the happiness and luck.

Happiness; because i often find my own happiness short lived and therfore believe that those who have found it in a significant other should hang on to it with dear life. It is always worth repeating that one should never take a loved one for granted and should count their lucky stars to be able to say that THEY have someone who would always treat them with respect and care.

Luck; because in life, only a select few will win the top prize. And even those who have been so fortunate to enjoy this windfall have to take care to protect their winnings because it is all too easy to squander it away with foolish gambles.

I say all these because on this day, i start a new chapter in my life as a single individual desparately clinging to the ideal that i will learn to love myself enough before i let someone else into my heart.

In a nutshell, i have committed the offense of falling in love with someone who had already made a committment to marry someone else - an innocent individual none the wiser of my existence and who now has to deal with the fact there was a third party.
It's true i should have run as far as i could with this knowledge, but nectarine sweet words coated my logical reasoning;

promises of cancelling the wedding because i am the real one for him...

promises that he will prove to me that the marriage is only a deal...

the promise that someday i will be the only one.

The ceremony has proceeded as planned, with happy photographs of smiling images that will forever be enshrined within my mind, leaving my bleeding heart trailing in the dust.

These past few months, i have let my standards of right and wrong, black and white be marred by sweet nothings of a person who claimed to love me yet forsaked me. This experience has only reiterated my view that fairy tales are just that, fairy tales never come true.

Don't be mistaken, i still believe in the sanctity of the marriage union, that two individuals so divided by space and time, could bump into each other within this vast cosmic universe and realise that they could hold each other, till death do them part. I'm just a bit tad cynical that it could ever happen to me for i have tried and failed time and again to let someone convince me that i'm the Gem of their life, that i would be the only one to bring them happiness. Bollacks to anyone who could make such a statement for i am still waiting for him to say these things and stay for good.

Celebrating Independence

2006-03-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

No, its not National Day yet and trust me, when National Day looms around the corner you will know it what with the bombardment of Spore flags and a daily dosage of National Day songs interrupting my favourite tv programs.

Although I believe that none of us will ever be able to be fuly independent of another being, systems and laws etc, i have come up with a few simple triggers that have been tying me down in recent times.

Independence means being able to buy my own car. CHECK.

Independence means i've stopped hanging onto that deadend relationship which was going no where. CHECK.

Independence means I can sign for purchases without having to worry that my parents will question how I managed to spend $500 at Zouk club in one night. CHECK.

Fu pah to all spammers

2005-08-25T13:24:00.000+08:00

Phase of the day: Fu pah!

Origin: orginated from a chink chong gongfu master wannabe who never made it to the Shaolin temple

Definition: an exclaimation of anger and frustration.

Example: All blogs spammers should fu pah! themselves for the inconsiderate invasion of bloggers personal site. (couple with a hand action imitating a slap across the face)

Opened up a can of worms

2005-08-25T13:18:00.000+08:00

Enough already!

NO MORE SPAMMING please! Otherwise i will no longer allow comments on this blog...

Blog Spam

2005-08-20T11:59:00.000+08:00

Dear tony63vanessa,

I am flattered you deem this blog popular enough to spam it with a long winded comment that nobody has bothered to read.

I am curious to find out how you came to the conclusion that myself or any of my readers would be interested in Global cedar growth trees and whatever they are good for.

I am not a spammer myself, but i noticed that you did not provide any links to another website which might make it a bit difficult to generate more income if you are earning on a per-click basis. Another useful suggestion might be to add irritating pop up windows along with your links. Usually, if your spam mail has sexually related content that helps too.

If one day i decide that i no longer support the efforts of moving towards a paperless world, i will definitely look into buying your company stock.

For future spammers, next time leave one sentence comment can or not?

10:16PM Aug 18 2005

2005-08-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

I am still in the office and am resorting to blogging at work.

No life.

Bummer.

Anyone out there who calls me now will be rewarded with a free drink.

My boss just intercomed me. Does that mean i have to buy her a drink?

Bummer.

Free drink offer for ANYONE ELSE OTHER THAN MY BOSS still stands :)

Who peels the prawns in your relationship?

2005-08-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

Over time, i've come to realise that the litmus test to see who is the dominant half in a relationship is defined by who peels the prawns for the other.

Once, a group of friends, couples A, B and C were enjoying a seafood dinner when the following dialougue transpired between them

Exhibit 1: Couple A
Girl A: deeeear, the bbq prawns looks like they are cooked hor?
her boyfriend who was busy attacking a piece of meat, glances at the sizzling pink prawns and replied: yah hor, ok i think you peel 3 for me enough already.

Exhibit 2: Couple B
Girl B who had been observing Couple A throws a dirty look at Boy A and barks: How can you order your girl friend around like that?! See? At least i volunteer to peel the prawns for my dear, dear hor?.

Boy B: Dont need lar i peel for myself.

Girl B: Hor so it's like that now...i volunteer to peel for you very good already and you refuse?!

Boy B: I don't even like prawns! You peel for yourself, if i want to eat i will peel my own prawns can or not?

Girl B: I don't care. I peeled 2 prawns already, you have to eat it.

Exhibit 3: Couple C

Boy C, who had been watching this amusing drama shakes his head and interjects: of course it's the female's duty to peel the prawns for her boyfriend. Turning to his girlfriend: Woman, peel for me leh.

Girl C throws Boy C a dirty look and retorts: boyfriends are supposed to take care to their girlfriends' needs, YOU should peel prawns for me.

They glare at each other and picks at the fish and meat on their plates. Both end up nbot eating any prawns.

My relationships usually falls under Couple A's predicament with my other half being the dominant one in the relationship. But over time i have turned the tables and have mastered the ability to get the other person to peel the prawns =P

Where in the world is Miss LIT??

2005-08-10T10:41:00.000+08:00

Someone thought i deleted my blog

Others have asked me whether I had migrated to another country

By far the most extreme reaction was someone thought i had died.

None of the above actually happened. I was sorry to hear of the news of Xiaxue's unfornunate incident with someone mucking with her blog. I am amused by all the publicity the popular bloggers have been exposed to. In fact, some people have started to recognize me as LIT and some friends who never read blogs have started reading mine.

In a recent article about Singaporean bloggers, the journalist noticed that bloggers either have no permanent job, no night life, no sex life therefore would commit a few hours each night to reading blogs and posting new entries. I have to admit that my own tight working schedule has led to my neglecting not only my blog but people i would like to meet and friends whom i have been desparately trying to squeeze time to catch up with.

Time management not my forte la, forgive me ok?

NKF board steps down

2005-07-15T13:24:00.000+08:00

When i was in China and India, i was advised not to give money to beggars or pitiful looking children along the streets. Give in kind instead or buy them something to eat, said my local compatriates. If you gave one money, the rest will flock to you and pester you for more. It seems like NKF learned this little trick too. Just before the start of the trials, i had already noticed the numerous NKF charity drive shows popping up one after the other.

In my view, the outcome was expected. There would have been no other ethical solution. If they condon gold plated taps, whats next? From T T Durai's picture in ST, he should go for an extreme makeover next coutesy of NKF, citing the importance of looking good when fund raising.

This is why i only donate in kind and take some time out from my personal time to do the actual volunteer work. So much more rewarding than donating in the hopes of winning some car.

i wouldn't budge even if you threw me a carrot

2005-07-12T20:09:00.000+08:00

I accomplished alot over the past weekend. Besides clearing out my room, i also managed to take some photos of my now grown up Panda rabbit.

He's no longer the cute ball of fur. He is now a gigantic ball of terror who spends his leisure time gnawing at the curtains and whizzing around the living room. I managed to snap shots of him only when he got tired and decided he needed to take a rest.

This was taken five minutes after he plonked on his favororite spot.

IMG_6023, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

This was taken half an hour later...

IMG_6022, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

And another hour later...

a lazy Panda's fav position, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

IMG_5999, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

I've been feeding him too many carrots already...

I Heart SMU

2005-07-12T00:44:00.000+08:00

I really wanted to study overseas and got accepted in the university i wanted. But my parents weren't ready to let go of me just yet so i had to settle for a local college. A question i have gotten over a thousand times (and am still getting when i tell people i'm the pioneer batch) is 'Why did you choose SMU?'. I must have given a dozen different answers over the years except for the truth:

I don't know.

What many people do not know now was that our first campus was a small poorly erected block along Evans Road. We had to rotate classes so that everyone could fulfill their required modules. We did not have the luxury of choosing from the wide variety of modules and professors my juniors have today. I did get a place in one of the local world class universities, yet i turned it down cus i too, was sold on the marketing of our glib tongued professors (sad to say some of which are no longer teaching in SMU). Do i have any regrets then? My answer would be an obvious 'No'.

SMU wasn't half bad, though being the pioneer batch there were alot of teething problems. Alot of debate over whether SMU graduates were really 'different' and better than graduates from the other local world class universities actually helped to create awareness and boost the SMU name.

The best thing i took away (besides the non compromising knowledge every Singaporean student has to absorb at every level of our education system) would be it taught me to look for solutions from every other angle besides the conventional. In theory, we call that thinking out of the box, but such a term is too cliche and over used so we will forget i even mentioned it. The conventional may work, but the unconventional grabs attention, makes people sit up and actually listen.

Employers are tired of the usual theories and typical answers graduates regurgitate at every interview. Employers now want people who will multitask aka know the theories but also can do oh so many other jobs such as selling and presentation.

I can't say for sure whether students from the other local world class universities are restricted by a long standing tradition of redtape (read: the USUAL way of dispensing knowledge) or maybe it's a Singaporean style of academia (read: burying in books). Even if it's none of these two factors, i can see why it's easy to get lost in the sea of faces in a few-hundred-seater lecture theatre. In SMU, our best differentiating factor would be TO stand out. As part of the pioneer batch of a measley 300 Class of 2000, we either stand out, speak up and work hard or run the risk of being unemployed and wasting our tax payor's money in funding. Some commented that our aggressive marketing is belittling of a world class academic institution. Worse still, some dean of a local world class university was quoted saying SMUsians lacked substance and are only riding on the marketing campaigns to woo employers.

Well, it worked, didn't it?

Say what they might, I'm proud of the way my alma mater is growing and still growing stronger by the day. It just proves to show that in the REAL world, image, marketing and packaging must go hand in hand with smarts. And come end July 2005, the dynamitism of a Singaporean undergraduate will be on showcase in Bras Basah when the new campus opens. We do not have to hide inside hostel rooms to do naughty things. We'll go across the road to the nearby pub and grab a beer before giggling our way back to the library to mug for midterms. Damn i wished i was back in school.

I love SMU, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

Redecorating update

2005-07-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

I finally took a Saturday off last week which was a rare treat for me. I spent a whole day clearing out the clutter in my room and moving the furniture around. The following is the result of my labour of love.

empty space waiting to be filled, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

So inspired was i, i made a trip to the library to check out some books on decorating and organizing. This feng shui book offered so many useful yet logical tips like making sure that there is a clear path from the entrance of your room. I even got some books by Martha Steward

Feng Shui, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

The next thing i wanna do is get some new bedding to suit my curtains or change my curtains. I'm gonna add an arm chair and probably some shelfs and a new table...

Use your Blain!!!

2005-07-08T18:10:00.000+08:00

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.

Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.

If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.

Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.

Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.

If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.

Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Halfprice

2005-07-07T16:30:00.000+08:00

halfprice, originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

Only one day after the Olympic 2012 bid announcement, France is already feeling the effects of losing on its economy.

Handling difficult people 101

2005-07-05T21:02:00.000+08:00

pic29292_1, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

I chuckle at the reaction of a handful of people whom i would like to 'melt' their igloo.

One of LIT's Deepest Darkest Secrets: The Room

2005-07-01T18:49:00.000+08:00

Exhibit A
Originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

Yer know how people say that guys are always messier than gals. I probably more guy than gal. Ok so the state you are looking at is worse than it usually is cus i had just piled up everything all over the floor to all over the table plus piled some on the floor. My incredibly busy working schedule has resulted in my sloppy house keeping.

I know, i know, still no excuse.

Exhibit B
Originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

I took some random pictures with my digi cam to test out my lasiked 6/6 vision and the result got me taking a better look at the condition of my room. Yup it's Project Redecorate time. I've procrastinated doing this project for years since moving in cus i've had to study for university exams, i've had to move to HK and travel, i've had to concentrate on my new job then the job after that yadda yadda yadda.

This time it's official.

I figure that the best way to go about this gargantuan project would be to clear as much out of my room BEFORE moving stuff in. Don't tell me that you've never taken a stroll in Ikea, admired that chic end table that you were certain would fit wonderfully at the end of your bed, bought it home and it ended up in the store room cus it just didn't fit.

Don't lie.

Ok, back to clearing junk. ooo and it looks like i'm not the only one doing a little redecorating. I'm boxing and stacking everything till later notice. Wish me luck.

Myopic Potatoe Head
Originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

If you stare closely to the top right hand corner of Exhibit B, you will notice Myopic Mr Potatoe Head sitting at the head of my bed.He has helped me pass many a sleepless nights of frustration through moving his body parts around, fitting his arm into the slot where his mouth should be etc. Well i'm packing him up for now.

Still smiling
Originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

Slowly stripped of his Potatoe dignity

Stripped of any Potatoe dignity
Originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

Potatoe jacket also gone.

Mr Potatoe Head back in his box
Originally uploaded by Visual Transition.

Boxed up till further notice.

Eye for a Life: Day 3

2005-07-01T13:17:00.000+08:00

I can't really see every detail that a person with 6/6 vision would see...yet. At this point i'm still healing from the Lasik op and trying not to strain my eyes.

I was a bit apprehensive in the hours leading up to the op after reading these few entries...In the end i decided to screw finding out every little detail i needed to know..and went in with no expectations..

The actual operation turned out to be a walk in the park..without enjoying lush green scenery of course. What i did see were blobs of red and green lights, my cornea being folded back and covered again, a weird burning smell like burnt hair amidst a whizzing laser sound.

Someone asked me yesterday, was it painful at all??

YES. INCREDIBLY, when the anesthetic wears off.

I COULD NOT OPEN MY EYES for the rest of the night.

The nurse's instruction was to take two Panadol if i felt any pain. I took two. Panadol extra, which not only did not take away the pain, it also caused me to not be able to sleep.

The nurse's instruction was to use the lubricating eye drops every hour and the antibiotics eye drops once every two hours. This proved impossible since i could not open my eyes and it was too painful and dangerous to forcefully do so with my hands.

I did both eyes on the same day, so not being able to open either one, i became a blind person in my own home. It was interesting feeling, knowing that even if i were to become blind, i'd still be able to visualize everything around me using my memory.

After lying in bed for one excruciating hour while my eye sockets throbbed and felt like they were going to explode, i decided to take desperate measures and groped around for my medicine stash. I groped my way to the living room and ask for my dad's assistance in reading the labels for something that contained the instructions: Do not operate heavy machinery or drive as may cause drowsiness. . One yellow pill and 12 hours later, i woke up to find that i could not open my eyes, but at least the pain had subsided. My eyes were still tearing as they had done so throughout the night, and to cut a long story short, i had used my fingers to gently pry open the lids since it didn't hurt anymore. EWWWWW

So you thought the procedure was scary? Wait till you experience the after effects for the first day.

But that's just my experience. The Nurse says different people feel varying levels of discomfort. Yeah, not very sure i'll trust the advice of nurses again anytime soon.

Now i'm into Day 3 and am very much a happy camper. No more pain, no more discomfort, my 6/6 vision gaining strength with every hour.

Somemore still on medical leave :)

goodbye...

forever...

sleeping beauty awakes

2005-06-27T21:46:00.000+08:00

I paid this past weekend's sleepdebt with much glee.

While i was gone, i missed out on the big Mango sale in this past week of the Great Singapore Sale. When i met my best friend for dinner on monday the sale was still on. I made a face when she told me that there was a queue to get in plus piles of clothes to sieve through if i wanted to try my luck. My overworked aching body just wanted to have a good meal and no more interaction with pushy, demanding strangers for the day, so we gave it a miss.

Cream Bistro is a new cafe outside Pacific Plaza. Formerly Ubar aka failed business attempt by James Lye, thereafter taken over by another forgettable cafe operation which i do not remember the name, it has now become new and improved. The food was surprisingly good. I had the stir fried Korean style steak with rice and salad on the side.

Image010, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

And what better way to wash it down with a great promotion and free background music from THAT CD SHOP and its heavenly Bose Speakers. It was a great way to end any Monday blues.

Image008, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

ARRRRGGGGGG TGIF my foot

2005-06-24T10:47:00.000+08:00

Na beh, this week from Monday to Thursday i have worked on average 9am to 9pm.

Somemore got customer complain say he relied on my advice to do something stupid therefore i have victimized him.

Haven't met my targets this month so my name kenna highlight BIG BIG..

i'm not as cute and cuddly as you think, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

How to pak tor, get married, increase our dwindling population count like that, Mr Home Affairs??

Interestingly, our garmen not only did not take the working gal lifestyle/career goals into consideration, they forgot about the mood swings, discomfort and figure-destructing nature after having one. The Ah Pek of Singapore Blogdom is expecting his third, but of course he does not have to carry it in his tummy for nine months; though i'm sure he's sweet enough to want to do it for his wife. Read more about it here; And she obviously does not intend to make one anytime soon, so where's the incentive, Mr Home Affairs??

Cross Pollination

2005-06-22T01:02:00.000+08:00

It looked like it was going to rain tonight. Tha overcast sky and damp air threatened to pour buckets as i made my way home after another twelve hours of work. As i struggled to keep awake at the wheel, i made a silent hope that it wouldn't rain. The heavens must have been listening as only a strained drizzle hit the windscreen, blurring my vision but not quite enough to use the wipers.

My mood since the start of this week has much been like the weather, overcast and ready to burst but only mustering enough strength to let out a trickle.

The main reason attributing to this would be the less than satisfactory situation in the job department. Six months into my employment with this corporation has left me wanting, questioning every now and then had i made the right choice to pick this career path. Today's long day consisted of the usual full hours at the office, plus our monthly group sales meeting resulting in the painfully long day. Once a month, the Bigger Boss gathers his 'soldiers' and gives us a breakdown on the group performance, which then leads to a breakdown in each cluster's performance, which then leads to scrutinizing our individuals performance.

Tonight, the Bigger Boss announces that the Biggest Boss wants to see more numbers. He then turns to each Boss of each group of soldiers and declares they need to show more numbers. I can already predict tomorrow morning's meeting where Boss will tell us exactly how much more numbers we are supposed to show.

After this, Bigger Boss proceeds to pull out the Golden Boys to the front of the room to do what we call 'Cross Pollination'. My new colleague sitting next to me quips in a joking fashion 'You mean we get to spread our seeds? I'm beginning to like this job already!'. Cross Pollination refers to sharing their winning ways with the laggards to help them improve. I say it's more like an ego trip involving alot of value statements anyone can read from a $5 self-help book at Borders.

I guess I wouldn't be saying all this if I were one of the Golden Boys. I am half tempted to give myself an excuse that I've only been here for half a year. Sadly, this profession has no room for patience, let alone excuses. Motivating oneself is a bitch, but it must be done. I catch myself wondering every now and then would I be content with a cushy fixed pay desk job that would allow me to catch up on gossip and snack all day. My answer would probably be no so I'm left with where I am now. The pressure is mounting as my Boss has subtly hinted today she foresees I will be staying around for a long time more. I'm not so sure myself but without a better alternative I'm back to looking for ways to increase my resilience. If the rain does pour tonight, tomorrow will be a sunny day. With it I will push on, riding on the highs of a good day, reminding myself that bad days like this one will pass, and I will be better for it.

Cat Fight

2005-06-19T21:54:00.000+08:00

Sundays is my catch-up-on-newspaper-reading day. Besides the usual Murder cases involving disembodied body parts, this past week has been The Sarong Party Gal's week. Appearing on the front page of TNP i wonder why she bears an uncanny resemblance to Annabel Chong...

Xiaxue's jewelled crown in Singapore Blogdom seems threatened as i'm sure many a ignorant Singaporean will log on tonite in search of more dirt on Sarong Party Gal. The reigning queen with product endorsements, TNP column and ChannelNewsAsia interview to date seems a tad defensive in her post on SPG's lack of assets. If one must criticize, start with yourself, i say. Since Xiaxue and SPG are both lumped together in the same catagory for comparison, for one to take a hit at the other the game should be fair. Xiaxue should post a picture of her own boobs online instead of making sketches, otherwise, my mama always said if yer don't have anything good to say don't say anything at all.

The new kind of Reality TV

2005-06-17T12:38:00.000+08:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of this space. A little nostalgia seems in order as i recall my journey through blogdom. My first encounter with blogging was a big turn off. One day, girlfriend R, sent a group of her closest girlfriends a link with the caption: I found a great way for my best buddies to keep in touch with my daily life!. Being her best buddies we were very much in touch with what she does everyday already so my initial reaction was that it would be a boring read. It started out innocently enough with ramblings about her daily activities, what shows she saw what nice stuff she wanted to get. You could say it was a typical private journal minus the privacy. Her posts gradually got spicier as days progressed. She voiced freely her misgivings about her friends' treatment towards her, even though names were omitted, we knew exactly who she was refering to.

Girls being girls emotions escalated when a certain post accused friend B of flirting with so and so and how R felt about it.

B was labelled a slut for pimping herself to the poor guy whom R had had a fling with a while back.

B retaliated by starting a blog of her own with a detailed expose of R's past sexual escapades.

Nasty online comments flying all over the place grew into outright confrontations at a very public cafe i have not visited since. Suffice to say the friendships were no more after that fiasco. At this point, i can't say i was very impressed by this medium of communication and self expression cus keeping a diary online had proven itself to cause more harm than good.

A diary isn't really a real diary is it if you share it with potentially thousands of people?

Why and what then changed my mind?

Firstly, 'Lost in Translation' was released during my short stint in HK/China. Like a typical Singaporean i bought the DVD on my next trip to ShenZhen (along with many other DVDS) and spent a quiet evening in. I felt like i was watching my own experience unfolding onscreen with every development in the movie. The inability to share with others the isolation i felt in a foreign land, my struggle with transiting from one phase of life to another. Bill Murray was my tragic hero and Scarlett Johansson my doppelganger.

I knew someday I would look back and want to remember everything i saw and every emotion felt.

Secondly, I was plain bored because

I wasn't exactly Miss Popular among the locals in HK since i didn't sing K or go gaga over Korean male artistes. Anyway, they were too darn lazy to pay attention to my half past six cantonese to understand me.

I tried joining some Singapore Association where sleazy Chinese businessmen were only interested in imparting their life learnt lessons; their mistresses only interested in oogling the younger guys while i was only interested in getting a drink.

That's the story of how it started.

It almost feels like i'm alone in here, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

I have since tried convincing an aspiring writer to start a blog but she refuses, claiming it to be voyeuristic and self indulgent. There is the school of thought that actions of hers, hers and his leave much to be desired. Yet i hesitate to place such a quick judgement that they are just attention seeking, even though i've seen the damage it can do. Nowadays blogdom has evolved into reality TV without the TV bit. You don't have to be a Rachel Lee or Denise Keller to have complete strangers interested in your life. My writing may not be as polished as some seasoned writers, i don't have exciting events to report on a daily basis and i guess alot of what i pen down are self absorbed emotions. Still, i'm hooked on the carthatic effect blogging has on me.

I started with a space that I could excess anytime anywhere from Spore, China, Hk or whichever airport i was in, now there seems like there's an audience when once there were none. At the grand old age of one year old, LIT has become my own kind of reality TV so my birthday wish for this occasion would be that it is well worth a watch.

Having sex: a more enjoyable activity than doing work

2005-06-15T12:26:00.000+08:00

My tioman trip was fantastic..i spent the whole weekend diving among the corals and pretty tropical fishes and acquairing a great tan in the process. As my diving buddies put it, life is good when you can dive, eat then sleep, wake up, dive, eat and sleep again. I will be posting up pictures once i find time to upload them. I'm super excited to share with everyone the larger-than-life experience that diving does to one's soul. In short, i saw dolphins, turtles, rays and eels among other marine life...now isn't that enough reason to try a new sport?

In other news, i have a date this thursday with a mini celebrity whom i have missed very much. From seeing him almost everyday to sudden cold turkey treatment of months of not communicating, i am glad he has resurfaced albeit with many female fans vying for his attention. My attempt at small talk brought us to the usual topic of 'so what have you been up to these days?' His reply shocked me, though i probably shouldn't be shocked given the many female fans vying for his attention lately. His reply was 'having sex..a much more enjoyable activity than doing work' (which is his usual reply to this usual question).

LIT: 'Who who who?'.

Mr M: 'wouldn't you like to know...'

Maybe i'll find out on thursday since he has comfirmed that he confirmed he will slot me in on Thursday night among the many many romantic appointments that he has lined up. Since he has confirmed he confirm slot me in, i confirmed i will confirm meet him, as long as he doesn't tua me. Maybe i will indeed tell him i've missed him very much, then again i think it may not matter to him since he has so many female fans vying for his attention.

The beautiful sunset in Tioman imprinted in my mind till my next diving trip, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

Getting LOST

2005-06-10T15:33:00.000+08:00

tioman-4, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

This is the view i intend to be staring at for the next two days...a luxury after working my ass off for the past 6 months without so much as a hint of proper rest.

I'm off to swim among the fishies and bake myself brown on the sandy beaches of Tioman . I will switch off both my cell phones and spend many hazy hours sipping pina coladas and lychee martinis.

I'll imagine i'm stranded on a mysterious island with a terrifying creature lurking in the shadows, hopefully there'll be a Matthew Fox look alike for company.

I Am a Terrifying Man-Eating Monster of the Jungle!, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

A nomad in the urban jungle

2005-06-06T14:30:00.000+08:00

I'm squeezing in this post between rushing from picking up my bunny from his doc appointment (mental note to put up pics soon cus he's no longer the cute little bunny i gushed about a few months back) to running some errands on my own before i pack a few stuff and head over to my other half's pad. See, the thing about being the half in a relationship who doesn't have her own apartment is having to live out of my suitcase; or in my case, a duffle bag. Now i finally understand why women should never break out of the stereotype of having men be the ones who wait for them, pick them up, send them back etc etc etc. A list of the essentials in LIT's duffle:

1. glasses/ contacts case (i cant wait to minus these 3 from the list in a few weeks time!)

2. one pair of black pencil skirt, a top for work and a pair of matching heels.

3. one set of shorts and tee(in case we go somewhere casual or the kopitiam)

4. One set of PJs

5. Extra underwear

6. toiletries such as moisturisers, cleansers, make up, hair dryer

7. my date book, work stuff like PDA, documents, laptop

Sometimes i end up carrying more than one bag cus i figure it is very tak glam to show up at work looking like a bag lady.

So why haven't i established a little nook for myself in his pad so that i can just leave stuff there? Initially i just wasn't comfortable leaving traces of me there. Partly due to past experiences from moving in with someone and also partly i felt it retained some sense of independance internally, like i didn't need to depend on him. Another reason could be that i found THE EX's tampons still stashed away at the back of his wardrobe. I just couldn't bear the though of putting my stuff next to hers, yer know what i mean? My best friend said to chuck them without his knowledge, another gal friend said she threw away all the ex's pictures in front of the poor guy. Instead, i picked the most practical approach and used them (it was only once and really didn't have much of a choice)

Nowadays, the weight of my duffle grows heavier and heavier. It's probably a good time to consider branding the place a little with LIT stuff. Guess i'll head over now and look for my little nook.

Definitely not big enough to fit all my junk, these little clutches are for weekend shopping!!!

A Seriously Fun Quiz -RATED MUST TRY!!

2005-05-30T21:54:00.000+08:00

Tired out from a long grueling day at work, LIT's search for fun stuff on the net found a Seriously Fun quiz created by Singaporeans for Singaporeans!

ANYONE who scores 10 out of 10 without researching first contact them for a rewarding career.

Self Improvement

2005-05-10T00:33:00.000+08:00

Dunno how the guys do it...wake up every morning and spend ten minutes shaving in a sleepy haze. Its a wonder that men don't go to work more often with cuts on their faces. I personally hate to de-hair myself so when my galfriend told me of a procedure that could remove hair, permanently, i decided to give it a try. It will probably set me back a coupla Gs but i think it's worth it since it says 'Guaranteed results' or yer money back and all...

I am getting myself a new set of eyes. I went for my lasik check up at the National Eye centre the other day .During the tests, my pupils were dilated and i had bursts of air blown in my eyes. I also had me first taste of old age when my pupils dilated.. it caused near objects to become blurred so i couldn't read any smses...i discovered that if i stretched out my arms holding the phone i could vaguely make out the messages through shrewd guesswork. But it's all worth it baby cus by July the first I can kiss those annoying contacts lens and glasses goodbye...

see the bargain i found at the Great Singapore Sale, originally uploaded by manda_panda_000.

Please let me be wrong

2005-04-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

I've seen many a traffic accidents in my short lifetime. But the one i witness tonight is by far a memory that will remain in my mind for years to come. Traffic came to almost a standstill at the busy Paya Lebar flyover stretch of the PIE. As our car converged to the right outermost lane trying to get past the scene i was faced with an image so gory i prayed for the victims. A Malaysian bike lay in shambles in front of a truck that had stopped in the middle lane. Sprawled in the middle was a male lying on his back. I was reliefed to note that he made a movement. A metre away, his female companion was not so lucky. She was lying motionless, faced down with a puddle of deep red seeping from her helmet, flowing downhill on the slope of the tarmac. As our car moved past them i looked away, frozen at the thought that what i had witnessed was a fatal tragedy. I can only hope that i was wrong.

wanna check out my boobies?

2005-03-31T19:54:00.000+08:00

My aunt has breast cancer. They are not sure which stage it is, and so far the doctors claim it has not spread to other parts of the body so she has to go for an operation and chemo. This is the first case of cancer in the family. One week after i got the news, the reality of the situation is finally setting in. My mum says aunt will consider removing the whole breast which garnered an eye brow raising "why-would-any-woman-even-begin-to-consider-that-option" look from me. Then again i'm not the one with breast cancer.

One thing i do know for sure, the ladies in the family have to start going for yearly mammograms. And there is no harm in learning more about how to do self-examinations. The following link has a very helpful step-by-step video clip on this topic. Send it to all the ladies you know.

http://www.komen.org/intradoc-cgi/idc_cgi_isapi.dll?IdcService=SS_GET_PAGE&nodeId=480

Guilty as charged

2005-03-22T01:23:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make.

I've been a bad bad girl.

I didn't want to do it. It was a little evil voice tempting me to just take a quick harmless peak. Not quite sure what i was looking for, i carefully shifted through the various knick knacks lying carelessly around his table, trying not to move things out of place. Scanning the mess, picking out anything that remotely looked like a love note, photos, girly stuff that looked like it could be a silly romantic gift. My sharp eyes rested on a few overturned photos and for a second i resisted picking them up. But the little voice urghed me on, whispering in my head that if i didn't look now I might be making another bad relationship mistake.

It was pictures taken with an ex girlfriend. I stared at them for quite a few seconds, pondering why the smiling couple's relationship had gone sour, wondering whether our photos will end up in the same sorry overturned state, stashed under a pile of magazines. I guess it didn't help that the gal smiling at me from the glossy photos is a local celebrity who has been voted on FHM's 100 hottest babes.

I really didn't mean to do it. Really.

A Model Citizen: Part II

2005-03-15T13:56:00.000+08:00

First dates for me normally go along the lines of make or break for any future romance. Kind friends are on standby to make the all important 'Something's happen better come quick' emergency phone call if things turn sour. If things turn out well, i switch the phone off and ignore the rest of the world.

This one probably ranked along the scale nearer to disaster.

I was an nearly 2 hours late which makes me a really bad person =p Not that it was due to my own doing since i was held back at work ... STRIKE ONE

Next, i got the wrong directions and went to the wrong place. I actually forgot where RiverSIDE walk was, and ended up at Riverside point =p STIRKE TWO.

When i did finally make it to the correct restaurant, i found my poor date sitting in an empty restaurant by himself, nursing a what looked like a warm beer.

It looked like a Strike out was eminent since we started dinner at 9pm. But surprisingly i had a pleasant time cus of good conversation and attentive waiters (since there was no one else to serve).

The night ended on a lighthearted note since we had mutual friends who wanted to go grab some drinks. A much appreciated distraction as i hated having to make decisions about what to do after dinner on first dates.

It's been a month since, and the second, third dates have come and gone without mishaps. The only issue that has been yo-yo-ing in my head would be how my date has a history with another model citizen whom makes me just a little tad insecure. But that's another post for another day when my girly instincts about THE EX kicks in.

Let the beers do the talking, we'll think another day !

Help yourself please!

2005-03-15T01:10:00.000+08:00

In one encounter with the ugliest kind of Singaporeans, today I had a total stranger scream at the top of his voice, hurl vulgarities at me and slam the phone down on me while i was trying to calm him down. If this had been a matter of life and death where the fate of is dying relative laid in my hands perhaps i could have been more understanding. But the actual reason for this obnoxious behaviour was a letter he recieved from the bank and a phone call from the lawyer's office requesting a signature to confirm his priviledge to enjoy a lower interest rate on his housing loan.

Some sleuth investigation revealed that this certain Mr Toh from AIA Insurance has used this attitude before to gain his special package in the first place. Citing names of so and so, he claimed to be merely 'giving face' to these mid-management people when he signed the contract.

Demanding that the bank should compensate him for transport and income loss for making a trip down to the lawyer's office he topped it off by asking me to go to hell.

Such is the image of the ugliest kind of Singaporeans and it is my sincere wish that this breed should be locked up in a far away corner of the earth never to come in contact with civilized good natured citizens of the world.

Please, send this link WHY AM I SO ANGRY to all the unfortunate souls who were forgotten during the primary school entry exercises, cus most of us learnt from an early age to live in peace and harmony.

A Model Citizen

2005-02-18T01:56:00.000+08:00

I have been so swarmed with work stress that it has been a roller coaster ride for the past half a year. As a result, i have not had time to even consider how that has affected my social life, let alone consider dating again. I find simple pleasures in spending quiet time just reading and watching dvds at home. So i was not prepared for the unexpected proposition of a dinner date.

Those who have followed my blog knows that Miss LIT has sworn off dating due to a change in career priorities and emotional preservation. Her sentiments echos my thoughts exactly where career women have had enough education to know the dangers of committing to a serious relationship.

But even the strongest wouldn't be able to resist that little moment of excitment when a suitor makes a sweet proposition with a promise of the best medium rare steak in town. Will Miss LIT take the chance and date someone who was once a model citizen... that is the question.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea...Sponge Bob Squarepants!!

2005-02-04T10:19:00.000+08:00

Who would have guessed that a yellow sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea would become such a phenomenon hit when he first appeared on Nickelodeon a few years back . I was at Sentosa a few weeks ago to celebrate Sponge Bob Squarepant's birthday and the launch of his movie. If anyone starts to wonder whether I'd gone nuts from the overwhelming workload that has kept me away from blogging and sleeping, they're probably right, cus i was sent to the party on a job assignment. What would a banker be doing at a sponge bob party still beats me cus i spent a hot sweaty afternoon accompanying restless little brats colouring Sponge Bob pictures. After an hour i began to feel like a kid myself since all the yellow crayons started disappearing so my crying charges ordered me to steal them from those lucky brats whose Sponge Bob was yellow.

Die you yellow piece of gay sponge!!
_______________________________________________________________________________

I have been such a bad blogger, and everytime i attempt to post a new entry i fall asleep. Such is the pain of working life. Everything i think about, talk about centers around work so not gonna whine here unless i can help it...

ONCE i have more free time (and i do resolve to get more of that soon) i have a few things i really wanna do...

1) Time to start seriously planning to get a car. Im anticipating good news in the up coming Government Budget to reduce the ARF again sp car prices will be cheaper :)

2) Get my cheapo company-subsidized California Fitness membership so i can make like a hamster after work and oogle at gay men admiring their own pecs.

3) Return to volunteering at the Assisi Home for Children with cancer cus their strength just brings me so much joy.

till then i'll settle for a quick fix...just for a while more :)

It's an emergency alright

Horny as a bunny in heat

2005-01-08T01:54:00.000+08:00

I've been told countless times that talking about sex is a sure winner for a successful blog and it has worked for the likes of LMD, and some who have turned their page into softcore erotic literature. In fact, one of my favourite reads has started getting more hits since he started talking about a new found love. And i too check for new updates daily.

Tis a dry spell when you know the only thing that finds you sexually attractive is your pet.

I usually sit in an arm chair in front of the tv and stroke his fur over the arm rest. This routine usually gets him relaxed and he would flop on his side, contentedly enjoying a back rub. But today, he was particularly active, choosing to nip my arm and nudge me with his head when i tried to touch him. I thought he was only playing but suddenly he climbed onto my arm and off he went. I actualy felt his teenie tiny rabbit you-know-what.

whadduya looking at?

In other news, i watched Alfie, the movie recently. It was very good.I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't exactly a 'chick flick' as many critics have described it. I give it 5 jelly beans outta 5.

The man who went wild when he couldn't get fries

2005-01-07T22:32:00.000+08:00

You have to hand it to the Americans. They have some serious anger management issues...

Reported in Today newspaper:

A 22-year-old Pennsylvanian man allegedly tried to run over restaurant workers after they told him they had run out of fries. The man went to a Burger King drive- in and when told that there were no fries left, he made an obscene gesture and repeatedly cursed the staff.

And They think Asians are uptight.

Should have just tried the Mackers next door; prolly would have had better luck there.

In other news,

Local universities are goin to hike up fees. Such a move might result in increased stressed over the funding of university education for your kids. Somemore with all that talk of the need for our students to experience the global economy, extra costs will be incurred with exchange programs to other countries such as China.

No need to split hairs over the glitch, a local company has recruited a few highly qualified local artists who will coach the future leaders to run our economy.

Basic module for math majors: Use hair to solve complicated problems

Need the number? Drop me a message.

It's got to be eeeeeee Purrrrfect!

2004-12-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

To a lot of wide eyed girlies he's quite a catch. Tall, dark and handsome, when he flashes that boyish smile only the little crow-feets betray his age of any day over 25. A charmer who comes across as a bit tad shy he can still be assertive and convincing when he has a point to make. The prestigious family background equips him with a bungalow in the East where his personal toilet is rumoured to be the size of a 3rm gov flat. The icing on the cake has to the oh so kewl evolution he owns to complete the bad-boy, good-boy combination. In fact, love struck girlies swoon when they found out where he worked and who he worked with to get a introduction.

Perfect guy.

Almost.

His chinese name is Chi ken.

Yippee!! FREE subscription for 2 years!

2004-12-02T01:39:00.000+08:00

I got a letter from the government today. Since i do not qualify for reminders of reservist i thought perhaps they had discovered my secret dealings involving alcohol and a car. It was worse. I was duly informed that i would with immediate effect become an automatic member of SDU.

To promote the social well-being of Singaporeans, the Ministry of Education is partnering with the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports to offer you the opportunity to join the Social Development Unit and enjoy many benefits of being an SDU member.

HA HA HA.

Just what i was waiting for, a ministry to get me to the ministry for registration.

And if SDU doesn't work, i will get The Straits Times to do a sympathetic story on how poor twenty-somethings, over-worked, over-stressed career women are incapable of finding love. Suitors will start rolling in. The Straits Times will chaperone the first date, follow up on the romance aka The Bachelorette and the sponsorships for the wedding will start rolling in.

I can't wait.

Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain..

2004-12-01T01:14:00.000+08:00

Whilst in other parts of the world sloshy sidewalks and chilly winds signal the coming of christmas, here in the tropics it's rain, rain and more rain that ushers in the holidays. Very apt for the mood of everything around me these days.

Restructuring at my work place has caused a frenzy of 'nice to have known you, goodbye!' emails flooding my mail box. I get emails from 'Mervyn Chew' s and 'Karen Tan' s thanking me for all my help and hospitality, even though they havent the faintest idea what i look like. Everybody is expecting a time bomb to go off so they tip toe out, one by one, hoping to make it through the door before it detonates. And maybe it has? or will? I remember when i first joined the firm, THE HEAD spoke so proudly of this work place being unconventional, that it isn't a place for the faint hearted but rather for those who detest rigidity and routine. THE HEAD got demoted a few days ago and in the same email a new organizational chart was drawn up which DID NOT include my department.

I needed to whine. So i called two people that i sometimes turn to when i'm feeling low about my career. Guess what? BOTH of them announced that they had lost their jobs.

Tis the season to worry about job security.

Nocturnal creature

2004-11-26T02:29:00.000+08:00

If someone paid me a penny for every thought running through my mind i would have enough to move to UK. Such is the affliction for insomniacs for whom there is no cure. The first person who comes up with a drug that switches off the human mind is going to become an instant billionaire. And i will be one of its most loyal customers. When the sleeplessness borders on the point of psychotic it's time to resort to desparate measures...checking off the list of random things to do include:

Drink alcohol. Unfornunately my secret bottle of Chivas stashed under my bed has long been emptied.

talk to an equally insomniac girlfriend and feel depressed together from the inability to sleep.

Repeat the same song over and over till a hypnotic state of mind knocks one into unconsciousness.

Times like this i really crave valium. Fellow insomniacs who are able to get their hands on valium should guard it with their life. Sleeping pills don't even come close to this miracle drug. It's only given on prescription and with good reason too. Guess for now i'll settle on trying to drug myself with the same song over and over again...

There's a shark in the pool
And a witch in the tree
A crazy old neighbour and he's been watching me
And there's footsteps loud and strong coming down the hall
Something's under the bed
Now it's out in the hedge
There's a bog black crow sitting on my window ledge
And I hear something scratching through the wall

I love Lucy

2004-11-23T01:00:00.000+08:00

An email from a Uni mate brought me back to my school days of learning everything in theory and wondering how much of it would actually be applied to working life. Amongst the many revered writers i followed, Lucy Kellaway is my favourite. A Financial Times management journalist, Lucy's tongue in cheek intepretion of modern day management concepts ooze with irony and wit. For those who subscribe to FT, go search for her column at here. For the rest, read on for her latest column contribution and you'll know what i'm talking about.

Lucy Kellaway: Companies don’t need brainy people
By Lucy Kellaway
Published: November 21 2004 15:47 | Last updated: November 21 2004 15:47

A few days ago, I had lunch with a man who until recently held one of the biggest jobs in British business. Over the foie gras, we discussed (in ascending order of interest): the view from the executive dining room, the charms of small children, the news judgment of the Financial Times and mid-life crises.

Finally, the conversation swung round to the problems of the well known company he used to run. One of the main difficulties, he said, was that it employed too many intelligent people.

At first I thought he was joking. Surely companies need as many bright people as possible. You need a super bright person at the top, a John Browne figure. Under him, you need more bright people, one of whom will eventually take over. Further down, you want a layer of clever middle managers. And, at the entry level, you must hire the best and the brightest you can get your hands on.

Not at all, said my lunch companion. There is nothing worse than a managerial meeting of brilliant minds, all seeing multiple sides to complex problems. What you need are energetic people with gusto who get things done. They can be smart - but they must not be cerebral. Big companies need one or two heavy-duty analytical brains: beyond that, declining returns set in. When recruiting for future senior managers, companies should forget about Oxford and Cambridge and hire a much broader range of less academic people.

The lack of a connection between the conventional academic brain and business success was underlined last week by a survey showing that what unites Britain's top entrepreneurs is not so much their daring or brilliance, but their difficulty with reading. Alan Sugar and Richard Branson, to name two: both dyslexic and neither of them graduates.

I used to think it was the other way round: that the university stars did not go into business because they thought it was boring and looked down on it. The closest to true business they ever got was McKinsey, which, I hope we all agree, is not the same thing at all.

But the idea that it is business that cannot cope with, and possibly does not need, big brains is one that I am warming to. So long as a company is managed in a sensible way (a slightly heroic assumption), it does not matter if the vast bulk of employees are somewhat below average intelligence. It is not just that the indians need not be bright, the chiefs need not be particularly bright, either.

Think what characterises the really intelligent person. They can think for themselves. They love abstract ideas. They can look dispassionately at the facts. Humbug is their enemy. Dissent comes easily to them, as does complexity. These are traits that are not only unnecessary for most business jobs, they are actually a handicap when it comes to rising through the ranks of large companies.

I have heard two sad stories from friends of mine in the last couple of weeks that make the point. Both have first class degrees from Oxbridge. Both started brilliantly in business careers but are now, 15 to 20 years later, coming unstuck.

Friend number one works for a very large and very successful US company. He was writing a report for the board on a complex, nuanced subject, and wrote a complex, nuanced report. The simple-minded man above him sent it back saying that three points are the most the company tolerates, as a matter of policy. He has now been told that he is too creative and too analytical, that he must pull his socks up, or down, as the case may be.

If complexity is a problem for companies, dissent is a bigger one. Friend number two has fallen at this post. Before I tell you her tragic tale, I want to go into a brief detour on a pet subject.

For all the talk of diversity, big companies are spectacularly undiverse in terms of thought, and becoming more so. If you are too bright or too bolshie to sign up to the babble, you are not going to get anywhere.

One of the greatest corporate fallacies is that companies want people who "think out of the box". This is one of the most irritating phrases in the English language. Where and what is this box? And what is so bad about it? In fact, companies really want people to think inside the box at all times. They demand assent, not only on what the company ought to be doing but also on how individuals are feeling.

Back to friend number two. She has a senior job in a successful UK company. Recently, she went on a top management bonding weekend, full of all the usual morale-raising nonsense. As an intelligent person, she found this an uncongenial way of passing her free time. Still, she choked back her feelings and settled down to fill in the endless questionnaires.

"Irony is one of my favourite forms of humour", said one of the questions. In the fine tradition of Jane Austen, she ticked the box. Alas, this was the wrong answer. Companies cannot tolerate irony - it is much too threatening. She is not going to be fired, but it has been made clear to her that unless she seriously rethinks her sense of humour she might fit better somewhere else.

I suspect that matters are getting worse for the intelligent person in business. Dissent was never really possible in companies (and mostly for good reason). But at least in the old, autocratic days this was explicit. If you said something that your boss disagreed with, he shouted at you. This was not a great situation for the free thinking mind, but at least it was honest.

Now bright people are told to think freely, but are ostracised when they do.

If you think your company is different, can I suggest you start the week with a little experiment? At your first meeting, try saying something - anything - way outside the box and let me know what happens to you. I have a feeling it is not going to be very nice.

Party gal

2004-11-21T15:56:00.000+08:00

He is too pretty for his own good. Girls melt and pull away from his lingering smile that stares deep into their minds, reading all the little devious thoughts inside. He knows he can get what he wants, when he wants it. And for some reason he wanted me.

First time we met was at some pub's anniversary party. One of my best friends has a friend who has another friend who know's the door bitch/ PR gal who gave us invites. Free beer was too tempting to resist even though i was grouchy from wearing heels for the past 12 hours. He is my best friend's friend's best friend. I didn't think much of him when we were introduced cus i'd already heard stories about the 'ohhh soooo cute' guy from my friend. 'ohhh so cute!!' guys turn me off cus they think too highly of themselves.

It was only later when he was sitting next to me that i noticed he would stare into my face with a mischevious smile. Space was tight since half the population of Singapore happened to be there that night and every so often his knee or arm would brush mine, and he would turn to see whether i noticed. Course i did, but of course i didn't let him know that.

As the buzz from the beer started to take effect, we moved to the dance floor and danced all night, real close. He flirted shamelessly. i flirted shamelessly.

Maybe it was an ominous sign of things to come that the next time we met was in the same club. This time he was so blatant he even asked me whether i thought he was blatant. Attentively by my side, he pointedly fed me with ice..reminding me of my previous ice games with strangers. I tore away when a close friend dropped by to try and distract myself from the uncomfortable closeness i was feeling around him but somehow i couldn't deny the strange attraction i had for the 'oh so cute; boy whom i wasn't attracted to. Maybe it was the alcohol or otherwise that started to make me feel hot, either way i started to warm up to 'oh so cute' boy...after the club switched on it's lights signalling for us to leave, we adjorned to a friend's house for an 'after party'. The rest, as they say, is history...

Did i mention already that pretty boys who think too highly of themselves turn me off? My memory lapses especially when im drunk.

What one should do when one misses The Ex?

2004-11-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

One could..

a)Write a nice friendly letter
b)pick up the phone and dial that all too familiar number and hang up
c)or just bury that heavy feeling under a ton of distractions

I chose

d): none of the above.

Instead i sent a text message saying that i missed him...

The Ex was pretty blunt in his reply even though i wasn't looking for a response.

The Ex demanded explanations and wanted to probe further into the already messed up mind over what went wrong.

And at this end of the spectrum this messed up mind is simply tongue tied. I wanted to just make a statement and forget about it. Instead i opened up a can of worms.

Gotta make a mental note to not get sentimental the next time. Stupid girl.

Words of wisdom from used car salesmen

2004-11-05T19:49:00.000+08:00

I don't like used cars salesmen. In fact, i avoid them at all costs cus i think the one who sold me my baby cheated me. Today, i boh pian had to entertain a few cus they were my colleague's friends. Their penchant ability to hurl expletives in every sentence of hokkien was a super big turn off but it didn't bother me much since i couldn't understand 70% of what they were sprouting. To add fuel to the fire, one claimed that gals around my age group who arent attached sure 'got something wrong with them one'.

Before i could come up with a good come back another wise car saleman exclaimed that should i ever find a boyfriend he should be poor cus the poor do not have money to chao sai (cheat). This isn't the first time i've heard of cash rich men who cheat. I once over heard a conversation among a group of men where one was confiding in his mates that he discovered the power of infidelity after a trip to Thailand. When i repeated this conversation to a close guy friend who is in his early thirties he wasn't surprised and supported their view that ALL men with money cheat, it's just a matter of whether the partner knows about it or does anything about it.

So don't blame me when i say that i'm not willing to be part of any injured party in such a senario. And right now, it makes sense that the best way to avoid being part of such a statistic is to avoid relationships altogether. Partying with friends, getting drunk and flirting with no expectations seems a pretty good alternative. At least one can be certain where one stands. Wise words of use car salesmen may hold some value after all.

Care for a ride?

2004-10-28T01:02:00.000+08:00

I work 12 hour days. It's a bitch but a gal's gotta eat.

It's kinda like running my own biz except i can't sell my soul for the right price since i'm still under the employment of a corporation.

Mostly i make alot of phone calls and hope that some nice soul would wanna hear my pitch. Mostly i get rejected or avoided.

So it was a pleasant surprise when i struck up a telephone conversation with an existing customer on his new toy, a wrx sti. Don't ask me how i knew he got one, just know that in Singapore, you don't have to be a celebrity to feel that your privacy has been invaded. Anyhow, after shameless flirting by gushing about how nice and fast it is, he offered to let me drive. It's amazing the speed at which a guy takes to chat up a gal. I could have one eye at the back of my head and an extra toe for all he knows and he offered to let a woman drive his new car in a heartbeat. What are singaporean men coming to?

Maybe i shall ask to borrow the car for a few days next time =P

One thunderstorm and a heartbeat later...

2004-10-23T20:41:00.000+08:00

There was a distinct similarity between today's weather and my temper. The result: bruised palm, broken bottles, books and papers flying all over the room. I could cite many reasons to rationalized why i did it but why bother?

Sometimes when things look impossible the best way to release all that pent up frustration is to let go.

And it felt good.

The tiger no longer roars

2004-10-05T16:13:00.000+08:00

I was informed by a golf enthusiast that the Tiger has been dethroned. The Tiger's roar has instead been channelled to a much more interesting playground involving a blond, making way for a not so handsome, probably not as lucky with blonds, Vijay Singh.

I myself am not a golf expert. In fact it is the stupidest sport to watch on tv besides table tennis. I found out during the recent olympics that all one sees is the flick flack of bats and hears grunts of concentration from players prancing from side to side. Only when one of them misses do i actually get to see the all important plastic ball that decides whether or not a particular Singaporean representative gets a million bucks. Anyway i digress.

I can't understand the excitement when someone tells me they have to rush home to catch the finals for the PGA Tour to watch Vijay Singh. But having picked up the sport recently out of sheer curiosity of people's obsession with the game, i decided that i should at least give watching the sport a chance.

The players took an eternity to survey the green and decide which club to use. Forever had come and gone before they get their posture right for the shot. I anticipated the excitement picking up once the shot was taken. The most exciting thing that happened was the screen changed suddenly from alot of green to alot of sky. I moved closer to the screen and strained to pick out the tiny white ball and managed to spot a bird flying across.

The only redemption of watching golf on tv would be the endless amount of nice landscape and green one stares at, a well known fact being that Singaporeans never get enough of that.

Still, the satisfaction of whacking a tiny white thing into oblivion is overwhelming. It is good for those who like a mental challenge. As a friend proudly proclaimed to having done an Eagle for a second time where many a golfer never get one in a whole lifetime of playing, i begin to realise that this is a sport that should only be truely appreciated through actual playing. Anyone game for a trip to the driving range?

Doing Ice

2004-09-25T20:25:00.000+08:00

A clear indication that things have changed when i no longer look forward to weekend clubbing and getting drunk. It used to be that drinking was hip and being part of the human sardine can at Zouk members meant one was popular. But mostly its the air kissing of acquaintances and exclaimations of elatedness when a remotely familiar face turns up that keeps one going back every weekend. This ritual lasts all of 10 minutes after stepping through the entrance but still they go back week after week and ask the same question 'hi how have you been?', not waiting for an answer before moving onto the next familiar face.

Most of my drinking buddies have disappeared, gone on with their lives and those that remain seem to be exceptionally nostalgic about 'how things used to be'. Can't say i blame them. In those days our favourite past time was 'doing ice' and no it did not involve any illegal activity that might result in Zouk being closed down for yet another few years. Doing Ice involved passing a piece of ice from one mouth to another, regardless of who the receiving mouth belonged to. A very naughty game where you could take as long as you wanted to pass it on to whomever =P. Just walk up to the cutie and tell him/her to lean forward and go for it. Yup, those were the days.

My new drinking buddy!

My so called life..the nearing of yet another birthday

2004-09-23T18:30:00.000+08:00

These days the curse of the million mile stare engulfs my time. This affliction arose from the fact that i'd rather not look for the true meaning of life choosing instead to let time pass.

Time passes and i'm getting older each day. I have goals and dreams but somehow along the way gotten sidetracked, changed objectives, become tired of experiencing yet another disappointment. Perhaps im impatient, restless..perhaps i havent filled my days with enough stress and work to dull out the empty void that exists.

Normally these things become more prominent as another birthday approaches, knowing that another year has come and gone without achieving the big things i've wanted to do...without even coming close to the peace of mind i want to feel. Someone said this is a good trait to have, as feeling continuously uncontented will push one to greater heights. Even so, its a tiring trait to sustain. So this year's birthday resolution is to learn to shut off more often, maybe if i rest my brain a little, it will all become clearer.

riiiiigght time to go back to practising the million mile stare.

When a Blocked Blogger's blog is a glob full of blob, how much glob can u blog with a block?

2004-09-04T13:49:00.000+08:00

Severe case of blogging blockercitis has hit this blogger. So when there is nothing worth blogging about get others to do the writing instead. Kinda like Absolute Balderdash, i wonder who can come up with the 'correct answer'?

Most outrageous answer wins, wins um....A date with a mysterious blogger!

Question: what are the people doing in the pictures and WTF are those things on the tree?!

A hint: Not a seventh month sighting but a year round affair, a funny HK superstition which attracts many locals and tourists.

One fine Grabbit

2004-09-02T01:59:00.000+08:00

panda grabbit

Drumroll..introducing the latest addition to my family - Panda/Pandy the Grabbit

I've never been allowed to keep pets that had potential to run amok in the house. So the last count over the past 23 years i've only had a terrapin and a fish. So when i recently suggested to dad that i wanted to adopt a cat, he said that mum wanted a rabbit. Typical since a rabbit would be confined to its cage anyway.

It was an uncanny coincidence that the Guardian Angel and I had chanced upon the most unique bunny. His identical black eye patches, black ears and his shapely black eyebrows against his white body attracted a long lingering look. Who would have imagined that a cosmic twist in procreation would lead to a rabbit looking like a Panda. Maybe the storks were drowsy from all the flying and sent a Panda's offspring to a Rabbit. Or perhaps the Pandas got high on all the young bamboo shoots they gorge and mistook a cutsie wrabbit for a female compatriot.

Not long after our acquaintance i knew i had to come up with a way to make him mine. So i coyly suggested to dad we should get this rabbit since we haven't gotten mum anything for teachers's day (yeah she teaches brats =P). And in what seemed like a second, Panda/Pandy was sitting in a box, waiting to be ferried home.

It's funny how even the most rigid people just losen up and sound like a kiddy adolescent when they encounter a cute little critter. Within minutes of meeting, my mum was gushing and talking to the bundle of fur like it was her own child.

Is it a boy or a girl? Dunno? If it's a boy we must call it Panda, if it's a girl then it must be a Pandy!

I checked up numerous websites on how to check the gender of a rabbit. But for the life of me, every time i attempt to look, i just can't see beyond the asshole. So as of now, i'm assuming it's a boy but ummm i really couldn't tell cus there was too much hair.

H E L P

So the ambiguity's still stands as to whether it's a boy or a girl. Maybe it's still too young to tell...oh well, till another day of staring at Rabbit privates produces more productive answers then.

I joked to the Angel that his eye patches look like Don Juan or Zorro so must make a cape for him. We have also planned to bring it over to the Angel's big garden for lawn mowing sessions: yeah set up an enclosure so it will eat one section, then move to another location for the next section.

Oh yeah, i let Panda/Pandy outta it's box. I wanted it have some extra execise besides its one foot by half foot box. Heh.

relak grabbit up to monkey business

"Eh gei dor cheen ah?"

2004-09-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

Once, a few months ago when i was still staying at Temple Street in HK, i was mistaken for a prostitute. I stayed in one of the old style apartment blocks along the junction of Nathan Road and Temple Street. From my window, I could see Fortune tellers and the night market stalls. It was quite the HK experience, staying in Central Kowloon, near Monkok where all the gangsters had their nightly gatherings. In fact, i know the area so well i know exactly which stalls can bargain and where the cheap discount stores are.

So anyway, i guess i was a little dressy that night cus it's an exciting affair that someone actually asks me out in HK cus i didn't have a wide circle of friends there. My pick up was slated for 8pm and he was late.

8:10pm : Standing at the street corner, i started to get impatient and glanced at my watch a few times. Some uncle strolled past with his hands behind his back did a head turning glance at me. He looked like he was in his fifties, with a balding head and was wearing cheapo China slippers.

8:15pm: i notice said uncle walking pass for the second time. I call late friend who said traffic was bad. The feeling of someone constantly watching me was getting to me so i decided to walk around my block.

My block has 3 entrances; one facing Nathan Road, one facing Temple Street and one more at the back which leads to the Fortune tellers. The first few times i went home i got lost cus all the buildings look the same and the countless signboards and lights can be very dizzying. Look for landmark rite? My landmark was an overhanging sign board that featured a half naked woman in a red bra with her breasts spilling out. Some advertisement for a spa n massage palour which resided on the third floor of my building.

8:20pm: It was becoming a war dance: him constantly keeping his prey in sight, me going round in circles waiting for him to give up. I spied uncle out of the corner of my eye again. I was getting tired and hot from all the walking so i came up with another plan. I stopped walkign and waited for him to come up to me.

I stared at him and then gave him an encouraging smile. He came up and started to ask me my name.

I told him: police inspector Lily Wong.

You couldnt have met a HKer who walked away faster. And i swear HKers would win any walkathon olympics.

I stifled a giggle as i noticed a familiar car turning up the street towards me. After that i always took a walk in the night market even though i've shopped there a million times just to avoid standing at the street corner.

Temple Street Market

Time value of money = Priceless

2004-08-31T01:46:00.000+08:00

A certain personel with a geeky voice called me today to set me up for an aptitude test in a certain investment bank.

Bring only calculator and pen.

A big invesment bank apparently does not have any pens to spare so i shall bring my trusty Pilot Ballsign. Since i have never taken such a test before i asked for advice.

GG (Who already has a job as high flying consultant): How ironic you call me. Ialso taking test. The guy who called had such a geeky voice in weird Chinese accent eh?

LIT: Chinese accent or not he didn;t offer any clues what to expect lor. How like that?

LT: Don't worry they will mostly ask EQ and IQ questions. They just wanna see yer personality.

LIT: My IQ has been dropping ever since i started studying in Spore, yeah all that memorizing has killed more brain cells. Anyway, cannot be lar. Its an investment banking position, have to bring calculator sure got chim chim questions.

So far no obvious clues as to what to expect, so i'm memorizing all my formulae again in hopes that i won't feel stupid after it's over. Too bad my scrabble skills won't be useful in this situation otherwise i'll give scrabble gal a run fer her money. On that topic, i've heard rumours that My Miyagi can play scrabble in different languages.

Well, back to mugging and if all else fails, I've got the following study guide as inspiration...

A new crush...think it might just be lurv...

2004-08-26T18:44:00.000+08:00

Ever since the demise of my First Hubby, i've been suffering withdrawal symptoms. Can't find the same enjoyment in doing the things we used to share when we were still together. The kinda rush that one gets from spending time alone with that special other half are memories that will be etched in my memory for a long time. Long drives to nowhere at night, blasting our favourite music with the windows down...yeah it was one fine romance.

Still, someone said i should take off the picture of my former love for 'how can one bring in new and better things when the old one's still there?'

So i'm moving on.

And my new squeeze is soooo yummy i drool everytime i catch a glimpse. Actually it's only a crush at this point in time...we haven't actually been united yet..and it looks like it's gonna be a while yet before i can plan our union.... but after all the stuff i've heard about him, i know we are gonna have an exciting and exhilarating love affair....

This could be 'The One'

blogging in the dark with some potato salad

2004-08-26T02:33:00.000+08:00

Following my Guardian Angel's advice, i am blogging in the dark waiting for an annoying mozzie to appear near my screen so i can kill it cus the Angel claims that mozzies get attracted to light.

So far the score is Mozzie: 5, LIT: 0.

So i am multi tasking: tryin to eat my mum's potato salad in the dark, willing my mind to not think about the itch those bites are causing and waiting for Mozz to appear.

No such luck.

The potato salad was supposed to be for dinner. Its not actually potato salad, its boiled potato pealed and cut in half...I think she forgot the mayo, spices and onions that normally helps in making potato salad. But she's forgiven cus she has to work long hours and if forgeting a few ingredients means she gets a peace of mind that she has cooked for the family, i'll buy it.

Anyways... a few teh kakis got together earlier and the topic of silly occupations that we had as kids came up. One was to be a cashier in a supermarket cus the conveyor belt thingy looked fun, another was to be a bus driver cus its fun to ferry people to their destinations. At the age of 5, I remember distinctly declaring to my parents that i was going to be a 'Servant in the Air' cus they gave me crayons and treats to survive long airplane rides. The most endearing thing about these innocent dreams is the motivations behind them. Knowing none the wiser, material wealth is not a concept that kids consider when deciding they want to be this or that.

Of course at some point in time we become worldly and move on to more sophisticated career goals. Mostly fuelled by the motivation of wanting a comfortable life. But i think once in a while it pays to remember our silly aspirations as a child. Then, the next time i take a bus or go to the supermarket i will treat the driver or cashier with a little more humility and respect, even if i'm having a bad day.

Mozz is back and i havent been able to catch it..time for Plan B: Light up a cig andhopefully smoke it out...

Your whole family die then how?

2004-08-23T22:21:00.000+08:00

I met LT for dinner today which was refreshing as i haven't seen much of her since she got attached. It's always a joy to do a little light hearted gossiping about friends.

Has AT called you yet since you got back?

Nope.

I bet he would if he knew you were back.

Really ah? i never knew he regarded me as such a good friend.

No...he's selling insurance and has been calling every single person in our class....Singapore got over 3 million people dunno why he only target 300. Somemore the word has gone around that he is calling everyone so everyone avoiding him.

AT will never make it as a salesman. Imagine a 27-year-old MCP who is rigid and does not know any EQ to save his life. With a pock-marked face, an ever growing beer belly and one eye bigger than the other, he is the perfect picture of a kopitiam Ah Long. He once told me he applied to be my university's Ambassador. The professor who interviewed him bluntly told him his looks would scare people away. Even his closest friends would sometimes say they will buy him sand paper for his face or a slimming package for his bertday. I do not think im being unkind, in fact i think i would be merely honest in helping this guy recognize that he is not cut out for this line. I know he has other strengths like being good at accounting thus the double degree in accounting and finance.

LT gave me a prelude to his sales pitch:

If you die, your mother die, your grandfather also die, then your family left with nothing then die lar? I mean, touch wood lar, but you never know when someone in the family will die.

Now replay that statement against the description of AT above. Sounds like he's the one who is gonna cause mother's, grandfather's, auntie's death rite? by the time he touches wood, i would have already run far far away in hopes that his statement would not pangtang my whole family's lifespan.

He gives himself one year at this. I give him 6 months max. And i will be proud of him if he threw in the towel in an even shorter time than i give him. Yeah, people criticize this Generation Y for being job hoppers or unrealistic about their career paths. But i prefer to think of it as we are still searching for ourselves but thats a another blog entry...

When opening a door means closing a few windows

2004-08-19T03:56:00.000+08:00

As a kid, my dad's dream was to become a pilot. For as long as I could remember there would be model airplanes displayed at home which my dad had painstakingly assembled as a youth. He was even offered a job as a pilot trainee in RAF at the age of 23. But by then he had met my mum, who thought it was too dangerous to be a pilot, so he quit and became an engineer.

Standing in a fork at my own career path, Im not facing the same problem as my dad had. But I still feel my choices seems endless and full of trade-offs. Armed with a general degree, I am versatile enough to work in almost any field. As i make my way through yet another interview, the thought crossed my mind that im becoming a compulsive liar. 'yes! Of course I want this job!' and pursuing a career in so and so industry has been my all time dream. And does one necessarily have to be sure about something before they even try it? It feels like when one opens a door, lots of windows are being closed. I am terrified of being stuck in a job or industry i would hate. Not merely satisfied with the idea of working to help build someone else's or a corporation's castle, im still hanging onto my own dream of doing my own thing someday, maybe i'll start off with a small attap hut first.

I wonder sometimes what would have happened if my dad had indeed chased his childhood dream. Would I still have existed? Would we be living more comfortably than we already are? And most importantly, would he have been happier. Maybe someday I will ask daddy these questions and as a devoted husband and father he would reply that he would not have traded anything for what he has now. As for me, I'll prolly start reading 'building attap huts for dummies' starting from today.

Chell seeeeeee who?

2004-08-18T19:31:00.000+08:00

Nowsadays it's hard for a girl to be sitting alone in Raffles Place without be accosted. Yesterday, a woman with a clipboard approached me with a big smile. I tried to look busy and started to get up but she was too quick...asked me questions about Internet Security and promptly stuck a camera in my face before i could decide whether or not i had anything intelligent to say about the matter. Albeit my five minutes of fame would be limited to the confinements of an editing studio since 'i only know i got antivirus program on my computer lor'.

Today, it was jus-returned-from-China-too Julian who was kindly 'creating awareness' about Chelsea football club.

Did i know that Chelsea was coming to town?'

'Chelsea who? Orh, u mean Chelsea the town by that sea that is famous for its chelly har?'. 'eh, how can a town move to another town?'

So he didn't get the joke. Big mistake on my part to encourage him with questions cus he launched into a ten minute conversation about how Chelsea the football club is coming to Singapore at the end of the year and how the teams always hold big parties when they are around. It didn't matter whether i was a fan or not to enjoy the benefits he could offer. An A4 sized card with little coupons stamped onto it was stuffed into my hands which boasted the amount of savings in hundreds i could get at a mere offer price of $49.90. WOW. A restaurant cum pub Sullivans at Mohd Sultan was the place offering the deals even though there isn't a single Chelsea memorabillia once you are inside (?). I could bring my partner and enjoy the 1 for 1 free main course and 1 for 1 house pours somemore. Sighting a marriage ring on his hand, i attempted a doleful expression: but i don't have a partner then u go with me ah?... He squirmed and i tried not to laugh. I told him i wasn't interested (the the discount coupons, that is!) and he thanked me for my time.

Felt a little sorry for what i did, so gonna do a little advertising....

If any Chelsea fans working in Raffles place spot a well dressed bespectacled guy in his 30s carrying a brown attache case by the name of Julian, perhaps you might consider buying one of those things from him if you have a partner or is trying to get one and want a cheaper date (just excuse yourself to go to the gents, then swiftly pay the bill and use the coupon. see? no problems whatsoever about who pays the bill!!). Cus i bet there are alot of Miss Lost in Transitions out there who are giving him a hard time but he's still probably trying anyway.

Jellybeans at the bottom of the jar

2004-08-15T01:33:00.000+08:00

Jelly beans are good for health. There is something exciting about staring through the glass jar and figuring out which flavour or colour to pick. I looked into my jar last wednesday, and saw that the supply was dwindling, there were only the icky red ones that taste like cough mixture. GZ doesn't have a demand for jellybeans, so i came home to refill my jar.

A likely story, too bad i never had a jellybean jar...and the truth probably does more justice to the whole experience anyway. So here goes...

The cockies in my balcony were becoming annoying. I missed them when they didn't appear and both loathed and pitied those which did and suffered a slow death. And mozzie coils i burnt at night made me cry. And the construction workers flocking this yet-to-be finished condo establishment filled my dreams at night with exciting ninja maneuvers from this kick boxing chick. And this apartment had a flat veranda beyond my balcony which i always joked i would hold bbqs on, and could invite all the spiderman wannabes who could easily break my bedroom window to escape their enemies should their web fail them.

I'd rather not admit the worst part but without describing it would be leaving alot to the imagination of the reader. If you wanted to watch a movie, go pay 8.50.

The job was a dream come true. Promises of working visas in both HK and China. Travel to Macau and New Zealand and lots of meeting with clients peppered the words of The Boss. Well, since this isn't a movie we all know that none of this would actually materialize. Yeah, a dream come true indeed.

So it was the fucking cockroaches that did me in, and also the crappy mobile signal which forced me to sit with my head sticking outta the balcony door, and maybe it was the silly disorganized 'santa claus' Boss who never gave me any clause attractive enough to stay. The same stupid Boss who likes his crappy company logo that looks like a spastic apple eating bald man having a lobotomy.

So i packed up, came home and bought myself a proper jar of jelly beans filled with lots of different flavours, chucking out the icky cough mixture tasting red ones......

Blogalog no more...

2004-08-05T18:22:00.000+08:00

I can't see my own blog, i can't read other people's blog and therefore cannot leave comments. My guardian Angel actually has to send me his posts through email so i can read what has been going on. I can however post up entries but still it's frustrating...

So till i fix the bug i'll prolly post up some stupid facts incase anyone decides to check out this dying blog:

China's internet servers all have to go through the government, thus there are certain sites that can never been seen, ever. BBC and New York Times are part of the list, just to name a few.

xiao ming, xiao qiang and xiao buzz the fly

2004-07-30T12:39:00.000+08:00

An uneventful first evening spent in my new lily pad, i had to make do with what ever little i had for entertainment. The tv cable had not been installed, the phone line not connected and needless to say internet was prolly a thing of the next millenium.

The eerie quietness of a new residential estate made my ears ring with an 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' which i only managed to get rid of using my mp3 player. I decided to apply myself to some work and actually managed to read a contract from cover to cover after many years of not being able to absorb even one during business law class.

I then moved onto examining the Guangzhou map which killed time a little as i poored over it searching for the tiny dots of my home and my office. Its amazing how useless silly facts increase in value and importance when one is totally and utterly bored. I learnt little snippets of information such as Guangzhou being known as 羊城 and 穗城 which means 'Rams City' and 'Rice Ear City' respectively. Legend has it that five immortals came to Guangzhou on five different coloured rams, gave the local people ears of rice and taught them how to cultivate it, thus they never went hungry again. It seems amusing to think that the five Rams must all be of different colours. If i was a farmer back then, i would prolly try to barter something to get me one of those, prolly a purple one and use it for a freak show. Guangzhou's quirks soon lost its charm as my eyes started to tire from reading small chinese characters under dim lighting, so i decided to check out the neighbours. This plan proved futile cus all the other units from my floor was unoccupied and i entertained the thought of going down and chatting up the security guard. But reminder of the purid smell of smoke and dust and dirt from the lobby made me go back into my lily pad. I was flipping my newly bought 4inch thick chinese dictionary when out of the corner of my eye, i spotted a little dark thing on the balcony. I knew it had not been there before and got up to take a closer look. As i suspected, a cockroach. With a quick movement i reached for the newly bought insect repellent, swiftly aimed it at the bugger and used all energy my index finger had and depressed the nozzel. Xiao Qiang started running of course and i gave chase with the bottle. He appeared to be much tougher than those i had encountered in HK and Singapore and i had to really give it all ive got to finally knock him out. Then i spied something black hovering on the ground next to me. with the reflex of an predator going for its prey, i brought my slipper down on Xiao Ming and caused a tiny mess of insect body parts and blood on the white floor. While cleaning up this mess, xiao buzz the fly whizzed around my ears and face. I couldnt catch this one cus he was too fast. I mused as he whizzed around: i did find company after all.

The rest of the night i spent chain smoking, thinking about nothing except when the next cig will be and when other visitors will arrive...

Happily ever after

2004-07-25T07:36:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time,
There was a girl
happy and secure in her little fairytale world
She had fought demons and monsters
and triumphant, felt invincible and untouchable

While strolling through a park one day,
found an envelop on the grass among the pretty wild flowers
inside was an air ticket and a note.
herein lies a ticket to the rest of your life.
Curious and excited, she packed her bags and left her fairytale world.
'Maybe i'll find my Prince Charming, maybe i'll find my fortune
and maybe, just maybe,
I'll live happily ever after.'

The birds were chirping the day she left.
A sweet song of random notes, tuneless yet melodious
She packed her prized possessions and weapons (for you never know when one might meet new demons to slay)
and flew off to never never land.

True to her prediction, she found her prince charming.
True to her prediction, she found a road to fortune.
True to her prediction, she felt contented and said ' i might just live happily ever after'.

She was soon to learn however, that sadly,
Happily ever after only happens to Cinderella and Snow White
Prince Charming turned out to be a toad in disguise
It broke her heart and spirit.
Fortune too, was flighty and unloyal, leaving her poor and in want of comfort
She took out her weapons (for she always felt better after a victorious battle)
but the only demons she could find that day were those inside her head,
'happily ever after only happens to Cinderella and Snow White' she sobbed,
longing to be back in her little fairytale world.

'I'll find my way home! I'll return to my little fairytale world.'
So she walked and she walked.
Day and night, she navigated by the sun and the stars,
trying to recall which direction was the one from whence she had come.
But try as she might, she was lost
feeling hopeless, she came to a fork in the path, sat down and cried.
She cried for hours and hours,
it wasn't long before her tears had formed a little stream

When her stream had almost turned into an ocean,
a creature in a little boat appeared
This creature was like no other demon or monster she had seen before
it was the uglier than the ugliest monster she had ever faced.
She drew her weapon, ready to strike
But stopped short when she saw it waving something white as if in surrender
'I have a message for you!'
He dropped the white envelop and quickly rowed away
Hoping it would be a ticket home, she opened it with newfound hope
but all she found within was a note:
There is only one ticket to life and you have used up yours. The only way home is to not search for it, but take a chance on any path you might cross, and maybe someday you will return home.

She reread the note day after day, night after night,
She sat there hoping that the creature might return
When Hope dried out, she felt the familiar ache in her heart
jaded and disparaged,
she read the note one last time and finally understood its meaning,
there is no short cut back to her little fairytale world, that she had in a heart beat, used up the ticket to the rest of her life and there was no turning back.

She picked herself up, and dragged her feet into the first path she found,
cus happily ever after only happens to Cinderella and Snow White
for the rest of us, there is only more demons to fight.

12 hours of silence

2004-07-24T18:26:00.000+08:00

Ok so i'm about to burst already. Before i really do it physically i felt i had to try to organize things in text so maybe i can put things in better perspective.

1) For the past 2 days, i have received anonymous silent calls to my hk number. the first two at 4.26 and 4.29 am respectively and then this morning, i got one at 9.00.03am. The accuracy at which my mysterious stalker is doing this is uncanny. It's like the person has a whole schedule printed out and would set alarms to carry out action. I half expected to hear heavy breathing each time i pick up but just background noise, like traffic noise. I have only been stalked once and that was someone i knew ( thats another story when im not so pissed) so this time i had to really think about whether i had made any enemies in hk. Then it hit me, it must be associated with someone's ex gf and God knows other gfs for all i know. My well being and safety is more important than fighting someone elses childish battle. If i find out that it i am right, i'm heading straight for the exit.

2) Mr Ego has this bleady way of trying to unload nostalgia on me whenever he's feeling vulnerable or has lost his direction. For a long time, he always claimed that i inspired him and i was his saviour blah blah blah... it's only cus i criticized him the most when everyone just let him live in his deluded world. Even after the relationship ended proper, he would at the most random of times, sms me some new insight he has gotten about us and how he needs me blah blah blah...yeah, at 1.29am i was dozing off into dreamland when the sms came: I miss you. i'm on absinth. I'm not familiar with drugs and toxic chemicals that do not have 'vodka', 'scotch' or 'whiskey' on it so for a second i got worried. I nearly got up to check out this thing online and would have called him if my smarter sense told me to f*&^ it cus he has done this to me too many times. Always feeding on my nice attitude towards him.

3) Then today, Mr No Licence suggested we go jetskiing. I was in no mood but i decided to humour him anyway. And i ended up having to drive on a stretch of road that had alot of potential road blocks. Forget getting to the destination in one piece, this ride consisted of no peace given to the poor driver who had to endure snide remarks about her driving...

"When did you get your licence? What?! when u were 18? so you've been driving for 6 years, then by right you should not be making such silly mistakes. If you've been driving a auto car all your life i guess i could forgive you but you drive a manual car. You drive an EG should by right be someone who likes to drive so how come drive like that?"

Miss Boiling Inside:

I drive just fine. I just don't like the pressure you are giving me. It's like going for driving lessons again. If i wanted to learn driving again i will sign up for lessons myself. This is your car so it's extremely difficult for me to be comfortable while driving, somemore you keep throwing criticisms at me of course i can't drive properly. I need to drive and listen to you and try to do every instruction you are sending out. And i don't have this problem in my own car. I drive my EG just fine.

MR No licence:

I'm not criticizing you, it's advice that i think you should follow. Don't you want to improve you're driving? You're just too proud. You can't seem to take advice in the right manner can you?

4) I've become my own worse nightmare. I read his smses while he was parking the car (which of course i refuse to drive by the end of the trip) and found some smses not coming from the ex. They weren't mushy or anything. Just the kind you know that are the 'getting to know you so im being sweet but controlled' kinda smses. Normally im very controlled and believe in respecting one's privacy but i've done it. No turning back now.

See how i need to burst?

WONDERFUL. period.

2004-07-23T15:44:00.000+08:00

Wonderful

I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where i'm At
Thinkin bout you every day
How come i was made that way?
It's so surreal...
-Annie Lennox, 'Wonderful', album: BARE
One of natures most basic concept and gift to humankind has got me completely tongue tied.

Talk.

Communication is the essence of maintaining any kind of relationships. We are social creatures who need to release the pent up emotions, ideas, opinions and all the hullabaloo that rips through our heads every minute of our waking moments. Yet when it comes to saying things to those who matters most to us, the words often gets stuck in one's throat. This is what i call the 'dumb detachment syndrome (DDS)' where one might have planned out, listed out, all the important things one has to convey to another person, but just end up spluttering out anything that is as far removed from the desired topic as possible.

My diagnosis is that im suffering from a cronic case of such DDS.

Perhaps its some spillover effect from childhood memories of not being close to my family. To this day, i havent been able to really tell the two most important people in my life that i love them. I had planned to do it...the day i left for HK, the propsect of not knowing when im gonna be returning home struck a little cord in me to wanna say it...yet i could only manage to do it in a card.

Everyday, i face someone whom i have so much to say, so much to question. I go through the painful process of organizing my thoughts, searching for the right words, but still the silence is deafening. Maybe it's cus those who leave us most vulnerable, whose opinions and judgements we know will hit close to home are those whom we need to be defensive against. Betcha lots of people are screaming 'NO WAY!' at the last statement.

So often heard, "Talk is cheap", has taken on a whole new threshold in the way i handle communication. I worship it like the holy grail (ok not really but its a nice exaggerated extreme way to look at it dont u think?) and spend lots of tiring hours waiting and analyzing signs, actions, gestures and hidden meanings.

Gone are the days where meaning what you say and saying what you mean are the dictum of communication. We have traded in simple words for devices of metaphors like songs, movies and books to externalize the REAL things we need to convey inside. The worse thing is we still get misunderstood and send wrong signals with these so called foolproof 'this is exactly my situation' kinda cop out methods of communication. This is perhaps why i value simple friendship more than any romantic relationships i have. Cus i can always be my silly self, know that i might be judged but still be loved at the end of it all.

Yeah DDS has arrived.

A gal's best friend

2004-07-21T15:58:00.000+08:00

CD player is blasting Coyote Ugly OST 'Can't fight the moonlight'

I've never cared much for diamonds.

When i came home to find my parents presenting a diamond cross to mark my baptism the first thought that came to mind was: wow how much did this extravagant piece of jewellery cost?

Only recently had a bf (now ex bf) bequeathed me with a pretty diamond pedant for valentines' day while proclaiming proudly that he HAD NEVER given a diamond anything to anyone. This same bf had always retorted smugly that diamonds are just carbon whenever anyone talked about buying one for their significant other. (no prizes for why he got dumped)

But popular culture states that they serve to mark some sorta milestones in one's life which prolly explains the sudden abundance of these little shiny stones in my life recently. Remembering an article i read a little while back, i thought about how the meaning behind these little stones mean more to me than the actually stones themselves..

So when my best friend suggested we get matching diamond rings to mark our friendship i didn't need to think twice. We even had a little fun with the salesman at the shop. Im familiar with jewellery salesmen techniques of upselling products by appealling to prospective customers as i have a good friend who so kindly gave me all the low down, on how they appeal to peoples' need to prove their wealth, over coffee. So prepared like soldiers going into war, we pretended to be poor uni students with only an ATM card.

we coyly teased him about being lesbians when he raised a slight brow when we said we were getting matching rings.

'You two are not looking for marriage rings are you?'

friends forever

Though they are three teenie tiny stones (0.03 ct the salesman explained), they contain a whole world of meaning to me. We might be miles away from each other, but everytime i think about how somewhere in the world, someone special is wearing the exact same ring, bought at the exact time, i know i've got a dear friend..

On another note, i just watched Coyote Ugly which is one of the 'must watch' recommended by lots of people. So inspirational it had me in tears when i draw comparisons about how i am ditching safe paths to pursue dreams in unknown territory.. almost made me wanna find some bar to earn extra cash when i move to GZ next week. What a sight it would be to be bar top dancin in some chinese pub playin chingchong tunes...think my parents might have heart attacks if the day ever comes...

Lorong Abbey

2004-07-18T02:34:00.000+08:00

One of the after effects of going through the Singapore education system is that is makes you go a little crazy. And i'm a big fan of doing crazy (yeah read the entry for June the 4th quoting a friend on being crazy and dealing with Ah Bengs and Police..)things cus i think at some level everyone should let loose and not take life too seriously.

This is what happens after a crazy woman is forced to contort her face into plastic smiles for studio photographs...

Introducing the Beatlettes Of Lorong Abbey

Da Beatlettes

What about the result of studying too much? Some become bewitched with the redrawal from lack of mugging in their usual haunts...and need to return to the crime scene and revisit the torture for the last time and perhaps chant some voodoo that might hopefully do weird things to the school admin.. watch out for it in tommorow's headlines...

da thwee weetches of McBeth

On a more serious note, i just found out that one of my mum's friend's daughter, who happened to be a SPH scholar from Brown University with a great well paying job at SPH, has in cantonese: Sot chor Seen. Literal translation is 'gone crazy'.

For years, this nemesis has left my confidence trailing in the dirt everytime my mum decides to comment about my underachiever attitude...well looks like i don't even need to have a response to this news now

;P Im just glad i can act crazy and still be grounded at the end of the day

Say 'Cheeeeeeeze!!'

2004-07-16T15:17:00.000+08:00

My parents have been looking forward to this day for a really long time. To see their daughter get a university degree cus his official duties as a dad, with regards to major financial aid anyway, are over. To commemorate this joyous occasion he wanted to take studio shots with me in my graduation garb.

Included in the package were a series of shots of me alone, me standing against the backdrop of a bookshelf filled with encyclopedias. Yup, just as i suspected they were empty boxes with some fancy schmancy name like Britannica me leaning on a pile of books (i think they were some marketing management and financial accounting titles) and me against a tacky backdrop that appears in everyone's typicall studios pictures.

While the photographer prepared the lighting and film, i had time to notice all the example shots hanging on the walls. How could all these people smile so naturally, or look like they were having the best time of their lives?

There i was, wearing the hot, oversized grad gown, trying not to move my head too much cus the motar board was too big, perching picariously against a pile of books, trying to feel like i was on top of the world.

ok, turn your body abit more to the left, lower your shoulders on the right, lift your chin higher, yes yes, now smile, SMILE!!!

No no, show more teeth, more teeeeeeeeth!!

I really tried, honest. I kept telling myself that im doing this for my parents, i kept trying to think about a funny story that my friend told me recently that had to do with taking a dump on a traffic island in Singapore...when this last method didnt work i knew i was a goner. I suddenly felt like crossing my eyes and sticking out my tongue when he snapped. But that would just be a waste of my dad's time as he has to go back to decide which shots he wanted to frame and i think he wouldn't wanna show guests that his daughter studied so hard she went berzerk after graduation.

And when the final product is hung on the wall at home, i'll be glad im not around to see that sheepish, constipated grin i have pasted on my face, but i will be happy that my parents will look at it and smile.

Hauntings of transitions past

2004-07-15T03:37:00.000+08:00

Returning to Singapore has been a weird experience..i have often heard my friends whining that when they return home from an overseas exchange or posting, they find difficulty in adjusting.

It felt as if i never left at all. My first order of things was to take my baby for a spin. Driving on Singapore roads, zipping to my favourite supper places to meet my buddies was too familiar, almost like i have been doing this for the past five months of my life. My friends are still the same, the environment is still the same, yet i felt different and i have changed.

Being bombarded with questions of my indecision to leave Singapore semi-permanently got me thinking about the past. The silly fashion mistakes, bad choice in boyfriends and whining about the Singapore system. It almost seems surreal that i'm breaking out of it, that i no longer want to be confined to complaining about the inefficiency of the super efficient Singapore system.

My grad ball was held in Swissotel on last Saturday. It was a grand affair with lots of pictures and alcohol to aid the massive amount of 'burying the hachet' i observed amongst my schoolmates. It was an amusing sight to witness the worse of enermies attempting to make small talk, to signal the progression of a new era, showing forgiveness for childish disputes. My system was buzzing from champagne which is my excuse for not participating in this bizarre activity. Afterwards, we headed for New Asia Bar aka Equinox aka Compassrose. This was the highlight of my evening as i had never been up there throughout the years i have lived in Singapore. The view was breathtaking, and i spent a few tipsy hours soaking in the view, trying to capture a mental picture. All the while, an ex bf/schoolmate, whom i had a complicated relationship with before i even entered the school, wanted to get a few words in.

Mr Ego: I hated our school and i sometimes regret ever going there

Buzzing me: Well this is the end so there is nothing more to hate is there?

Mr Ego: I hated it yet it was the best time of my life. I have to thank you as you were the reason i went there instead of USC.

Buzzing me: You made your own choices so just move on and make something of yourself.

Mr Ego: You are still the best fit for me, you fit just right with me. I am going to miss you after you are gone.

Buzzing me: I am going to miss this view so much you know...this is my home and i will always love my home...

Mr Ego: Someday maybe we will be together again, cus its meant to be.

Buzzing me smiles blanking at the view, soaking in the skyline and thinking how much i am going to miss Singapore...

Cogitating

2004-07-14T20:01:00.000+08:00

Yeah, im cogitating which is probably why this blog as been so quiet this past week ever since i came back to Singapore.

So many things have happened i feel like the past 5 months that i have missed out on in Singapore has been condensed into the space of a week.

Well time to blow off the dust that is gathering on this blog and retrospectively put everything down..bit by bit. Normally i only make lists when i am under pressure and have too many things to handle so i need to be organized. Now i am making a list of the possible future blog entries to unjumble my mind...

1)i am graduated since Saturday, 15 July 04, thus rendering me another sucker who has completed the status quo paper trail...woo hoo!!

2)i was batized Sunday 16 July 04 and confirmed at one go so that makes me one of those fast tracked christtians (or maybe its just singaporeans) who should just feel lucky they got a discount from not having to go through extra hassle =P

3)i am fickle minded about leaving yet not leaving yet not wanting to stay. Great, this makes my time contraint factor very exciting as the pressure increases as times ticks by...

But after all that rubbish in my head, one thing has made me feel satisfied and happy- FINALLY being able to eat this yumyum Bah Kut teh after i saw that picture which send me into withdrawal for Balestier Bah Kut...and it was all thanks to a treat from a super duper sweet friend who had to give blood sweat and tears (hmm i wonder) to earn $200 ;P

But it was worth it..can you tell?

all gone

My last sun set in HK....for now

2004-07-04T17:53:00.000+08:00

Ma On Shan Sunset

This is my third lily pad since arriving into HK in February 2004. Never imagined i would move so many times, from Clear Water Bay to colourful Temple Street to my final pad in Ma On Shan. I knew that my life would change forever once i left Singapore, i just didn't imagine it would be at this magnitude and scale...

Maybe this is the reality of becoming of age, moving through another phase in life as school life is effectively over and all that teen angst has come and gone like a gust of wind.

Feels like another transition has been bridged...with this last HK sunset, i look forward to the next one, which ever part of the world i may be in...

Hannibal Ate my sea slug.

2004-07-04T00:22:00.000+08:00

my little ocean

This is a recent new addition to my home in HK.

another shot of my little ocean

A sea water fish tank which is one of its kind cus the water and sand were jetskiied from Sia Kung on a particular hot Saturday afternoon, and so far among the 9 inhabitants to have moved in, 2 have already been eaten by Hannibal the Hermit crab.

First one to go was another crab, who was still nameless at the time of the first attack from Hannibal from which he lost 2 out of his 8 legs. He was named 'Lunch' after this incident as it became apparent that Hannibal wasn't gonna give up so easily. True to our prediction, Hannibal finished Lunch within the next 24 hours.

Next to go was my favourite little creature, a colorful sea slug that was purple, pink and had bright yellow tips on the ends of its antennas. Poor Slugger didn't even know what hit him since he could only move at a rate 5cm each day.

Now whenever i look at Hannibal, i feel like taking him out of his shell and giving him a good spanking.

Here he is in his greedy glory.

naughty little bugger

Soon i'll be crossing bigger oceans lyself and perhaps i'll forget it ever mattered that Hannibal ate my Slug =P

Packing then unpacking again

2004-07-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

CD pick of the night: Frank Sinatra 'I got you under my skin' - Romance

Enjoying another night of solitude at home blasting Sinatra and nursing mixed feelings.

Something i read struck a cord close to home. Two days ago i was all ready to pack up and start afresh in Singapore and even entertained a thought of moving to China to further isolate myself and test my new found independence from distraction of friends and Singapore life.

A romantically sad finale to the saga would mirror the course of events that would have been bittersweet but sensible. Constantly replayed over and over again like a broken recorder in my head: i would drag my luggage and leave in the wee hours of the morning, write a sweet note thanking him for being so great to me these past few months, wishing him well. I would spend aimless hours at the HK international airport, psyche myself up for the positive outlook i would embrace once i arrived back into Changi Airport, and send my house keys and security card back to him by post.

But with a twist of fate, he came home while i was packing, and said 'let's find a way to work this out'.

I smiled.

And life goes on.

Trivial as it might sound, i was worried about packing as it is amazing how much new stuff one can accumulate in just a few months in a foreign land. Take this statistic for example: i have recently acquired 7 new pairs of shoes. I was prepared to turn on my acting skills and charm some unsuspecting light traveller into passing off as my travel buddy to increase my luggage capacity.

Then, today I met his older brother (who's like 20yrs my senior) and nephew (who is only a few years younger!) today for lunch and i also got a Citibank HK interview lined up on Monday. This is becoming serious and i can't breathe. I'm glad to be going home to hopefully put everything into perspective.

Now my suitcase is half empty while my heart is overflowing of emotion.

Is this tradeoff worth the while after all?

2004-07-01T00:50:00.000+08:00

I had a little adventure today...went to GZ by train, had to dight my way through the crazy scary chinese people and get on their local subway, found the company ive been offered a job at, got introed to everyone there and had a tour of GZ city to see if i like it.

Environment is ok, the workplace is ok. I think i could survive in GZ given lots of reading material, a great broadband internet connection, and lots of cigs...

But the tradeoff is the pay.

They are putting only 5000RMB on the table. Apartment is provided. But from what i saw i would have to live like a local to have any savings at all..

So is this tradeoff worth the experience?

Cus maybe im inexperienced so people can 'jiak' me when it comes to pay package..but i seriously believe i am worth a lot more...at least enough to reach close to a fresh grad pay in Singapore. Cus i can speak english, chinese n enough cantonese (for china) and i know i will excel in the job they are assigning me and i will be doing more than what im being paid for.

So should i still do this?

I'm in a serious rut...bleah...

Sigh the balls of life may not be as nice to grab as i thought haha

Escapist or simply just grabbing life by the balls?

2004-06-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

There was once when i would run from bad things, shut out people who care, spend days under the covers of my bed and gribe about never being able to change anything and complained about how life was always unfair to me.

My latest neurotic habit has been to run to another country to escape. Now i find it ironic that i just want to run home and hide under my covers again.

So maybe my love affair with HK (and other love affairs included) has finally ended, and the only logical thing to do would be to fall back into old bad habits, escape this place, go home and be miserable.

But i'm not going to do that.

I've learnt it the hard way just how much we all are resistant to change. And for a long time now i've been practising the art of change. And yes, it is an art bacause humans are creatures of habit(especially men). Once we get into comfortable routine, emotions or actions we cling to them cus it becomes clockwork and requires little effort to put into motion(see just how aptly men fit into this profile?). Change is a crucial part of sustaining hope, cus when we keep moving, doing something new, our senses are constantly heightened to the experience of new things, and we learn a little more about ourselves along the way and hopefully, move one step closer to 'finding ourselves'.

The way i see it, i have two options.

I can go home, settle for a normal job, spend my paycheck shopping every month, go back to complaining about life in Singapore not being enough again.

Or i can take on a challenge, accept the job offer in China, start a new life in a place where i will more or less be totally alone, grab life by the balls and see where it takes me.

I'm gonna stare change in its face, and make it cower to me.

And a chapter is closed

2004-06-29T04:43:00.000+08:00

I know how the story ends now...

girl gave it her all, finally made a committment of her feelings and told him how she felt.

He had beforehand already said how he felt that he truely wanted this. But it is possible things change overnight, feelings change and he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Girl takes one last attempt at getting him to say that he wants it to work.

But the fact is, he has closed up his heart.

And she has to close up her heart once again, for the sake of self preservation.

So another chapter is closed.

Girl goes back to being a controlled individual longing for someone or something to open up her heart again.

Hope will keep her alive that someday something good will pass her way and not disappear in a fleeting moment...

The Dangers of An Open Heart

2004-06-26T02:23:00.000+08:00

My best friend was crying to me on the phone a few days ago. Her totally devoted and sweet bf had gone off the deep end, went back to smoking after one year and started to push her away and was watching Euro 04 with his mates every night. She's convinced it isn't just cus the esteemed Euro Cup cometh but once every 2 years, She's angry and hurt that he is pushing her away.

And why shouldn't she be?

This guy had, up till this point, promised her the world, filled with love and a marriage in the books; been patient and sweet, considerate, listened to her every fear, tried to curb every insecurity and most importantly, had tried to change for her. (as a smoker i know this daunting task is next to impossible)

This same friend has been reprimanding me for some time for fearing love, for choosing a safe option of being with someone i could never totally fall in love with so that i would always retain a certain amount of self control.

Secretly, i've admired her courage of holding onto the notion that love conquers all and that with 'the one', everything will fall into place and he will be everything she wants.

I decided i would let go of my controlled behavior which had been gathering dust for some time now. Being in a foreign land has also opened up the floodgates to taking more risks that i usually would since there is virtually no one here to judge me.

So when i met him, i took a plunge against my better judgement, against my usually level headed self in choosing a bf, not caring two hoots about the expiration date on my stay in HK, not caring that he's more than a decade older (see you are judging aren't you?!), or that he has a 7-year relationship that ended only cus he didn't want to marry her and she was pressuring him. It was no doubt a flurry of confusion in the beginning cus it's so hard to distinguish infatuation from love.

Now im leaving in a week. And things are not going well anymore.

And then it hit me, i had actually fallen in love.

How did i know this?

Cus every time i look at him, every emotion floods my consciousness at lightning speed, each trying to capture my attention in a fleeting split second; the fear, insecurity, desire, warmth, frustration, happiness, sadness, passion, ,melancholy, joy...

any emotion associated with describing how one would feel when... in love.

I realized that when one opens up their hearts, they are subjected to extreme emotions and their senses are heightened to every detail of the loved one. You can imagine just how dangerous this is...one ends up vulnerable to all sorts of erratic behaviour and reactions that would be unbecoming of mature, controlled individuals.

I can't complete this entry, Cus i don't know how it ends. But i do know i'm in danger.

A China hair cut and then some..

2004-06-24T14:25:00.000+08:00

I made a final trip to China yesterday for my current company and for once it was a truely enjoyable experience.

Why?

Cus my Boss didn't go with us so we had free reign on where to go and what to do :)

Official duties were completed by lunchtime cus the sole purpose was to go to Panyu to meet up with a Chinese design company who is going to produce our company leaflet, which is completely designed by yours truely. My ego got a boosting when the designer asked me if i was a designer by training and was full of compliments as i am a finance major by training.

We proceeded for lunch at a restaurant recommended by my China colleague, Jeff who had promised to bring me to eat 'ye shou' which means wild beasts in Mandarin. I politely declined the offer so we had a pretty normal lunch. But Monica, who came with me from HK, had different ideas. She ordered duck's tongue. I had already tried this in HK and it wasn't so bad cus in HK, it just looks like an elongated piece of flesh that was kinda rubbery. So i thought i was mentally prepared. When the dish came, it looked like this...

duck tongue

I only had the stomach to eat one...Monica ate like half a dozen =P The red circled part is the duck's tongue.

After lunch, Monica wanted to go for a foot massage and i wasn't keen on the idea so when i saw a salon next to the massage parlour i decided to do something crazy. I have been meaning to cut my hair for the longest time but never found the energy to find a good hairdresser in HK.

I am terrified of hair dressers and hold my hair in very high esteem as i think a great cut brings out a person's features. I always stuck to one haridresser who gave me great cuts from my friend who was the artistic director for Toni and Guy in Singapore.

Jeff recommended we go to his normal hairdresser. The shampoo girls were great and i nearly fell asleep after 15 minutes of pure pleasure.

I was supposed to get the cut from the owner of the salon but he wasnt free so, Gasp!, they sent another guy. I gave him pretty specific instructions while i shivered in my chair.

He took 10 minutes examining my hair and observed that it wasn't cut in China. Then he took another 15 minutes to cut my fringe. Jeff was done with his cut in 10 minutes and spent the rest of the time laughing at me squirming in my chair.

It didn't help that since the hairdresser took so long, we were running outta time to catch the ferry back to HK so he had to finish up fast.

So here it is, my really cheap hair cut from China which turned out to be pretty good and only cost me 40RMB (= less than 10 SGD!!)

my china haircut

Quirky Hong Kong never fails to amaze me...

2004-06-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

So i had a thought today.. im leaving Hong Kong soon and i needed to document, file, report things that i have seen and experienced. Today I document 2 things that have puzzled me over the past few months..

And excuse my lousy photos cus i broke my cammy the first night i got here so have to use handphone. Yeah. I think technology and me have a long way to go before becoming good friends...

What the heck is this?

what is this?

I know what its for, it stares me in the face everytime i go pay for parking...but what the heck does the word 'SHROFF' mean? I have checked dictionary.com i've asked everyone i know from HK but so far no one has been able to shed light...

I'll treat the first person who finds out what 'Shroff' means to Chicken testes hahah..

People who sit with their toes turned in are said to have low self esteem. If this is the case then Hong Kong girls must have really low self esteem cus on average 7 out of 10 girls on the train sit like this....

the most lady-like sitting position

Seriously, is it really lady like to sit like that? Cus the girls also tend to walk with their toes turned in as well. I was so intrigued i decided to try it for myself..and i failed miserably cus its so damn uncomfortable to sit like my toes have to kiss and walk like a duck...

Do chickens have balls?

2004-06-21T11:41:00.000+08:00

Ever since i arrived in Hong Kong i've taken to eating pretty exotic stuff which even though are common back home, are even more prominent and a favourite of the HK taste buds..I like bah gut teh and pigs organ soup but never in my life have i consumed every conceivable part of pigs, cow and chickens as i have in HK.

One item that i have taken a particular liking to is 'kei ji'.

It's a part of the chicken (as you can tell from the cantonese name) but which part?

Best savoured after being boiled in a hot pot for about 15 mins, dipped in soya sauce.

Yums!

After i tried it for the first time, i liked it. Then came a sudden thought...

I asked my friend: so is it the kidney of the chicken?

ans: nope i think it's chicken testicles

My jaw dropped and i had a weird twisting feeling in my tummy. I looked at the one 'kei ji'left on my plate sheepishly and pushed it around for a while. But i still ate it in the end rationalizing that i eat pigs organs, cow gizzards so what of chicken balls...

I don't believe they are chicken testicle cus they are large; the size of perhaps a fifty-cent singapore coin and from my memory i could not recall ever seeing chickens with two fifty-cent sized sacs... and they come in varying sizes too so does this mean that there are more verile cocks or impotent ones?

chicken balls?

I even googled 'chicken testicles' but didn't get a picture like the one i took above...

hmm im still curious what it is...

But what the heck i'll eat first then think about it ;)

And the wait is over...

2004-06-20T22:27:00.000+08:00

STILL WAITING

I thought i saw your car turn in
And waited in anticipation
for the click of the key in our door.

When it didn't happen
I thought perhaps you were
washing your car like you
usually do on a Sunday afternoon

And so i waited impatiently
for the click of the key in our door.

When it didn't happen
I told myself you might
have bumped into a neighbour
and gone for a drink at the clubhouse

And continued waiting with fervor
for the click of the key in our door.

When it didn't happen
my heart dropped
I knew my eyes had betrayed me
I had mistaken your car for someone else's

And with each passing moment
I continue to wait
for the click of the key in our door.

Yes the wait is finally over. i Went out for a long walk, went for mass (two times in one week my mum will be proud :) then wanted to meet friends but they would be too late so i took a long and painful journey home. Painful cus the walk to the MTR took forever and with a temperature of 30 degrees its beginning to feel like Singapore here. And i had to change trains and then missed my bus so had to get back on the train and find another route home...

Well i wasn't totally looking forward to going home. Its a love-hate thing that i wanted him to be home before me, yet i know if he wasn't i would also breathe a sigh of relieve cus then i wouldn't have to deal with what has happened over the weekend.

I made a good move of checking the car park cus i wanted to be mentally prepared if he was home. Yeah, the M3 was sitting majestically in its usual assigned spot. So i took a deep breadth and went home.

No discussion so far, no 'how was yer weekend?' no physical contact or 'i've missed yer'Maybe cus i just couldn't hide my aloofness despite my cheery 'hi!' and random comments about the remote control car he's building and the soccer he's watching...

Well i guess waiting for something to happen begins right now...

Send me a sign

2004-06-20T08:44:00.000+08:00

A Mental Snapshot

Herein lies a humble servant, a child of God.
A maelstrom of baggage weighing down shoulders
Crawling on hands and knees
to rest at the feet of our omnipotent creator.

Gently bequeaths burden
Pleading feebly
With arms outstretched
for lucidity in this confusion
to release this tired soul

I went to church yesterday.

Haven't gone for a while and felt like i was fast becoming a bad christian. I always find a sense of calm in the serene environment of church. As if an omnipotent energy runs through the place; the silence where only the buzzing of the fans or airconditioning is audible, the random people who sit quietly at the pew or kneeling on the foot rest infront of them, with heads bowed and hands clasped, each with their own stories to tell, own questions to ask. And yesterday i was one of them.

I believe in signs, and i asked for signs to gently nudge me in the right direction...

And silly as it might sound, i think i actually got a sign. Cus i met some friends after and was flipping through a copy of IS magazine when i chanced upon the horoscope section. I never believe in predictions but i do read them for a laugh, especially IS ones cus they are so outrageous. Can't remember the whole thing but gist of it was

For Libra: Have faith that after this vacation, God will send you good things 2 or even 4 fold.

I had a private chuckle about it cus it seems silly to really believe that God had sent me a message through IS. Nontheless it made my day cus i know God is listening and all i need is patience with lots of faith to ride this storm...

Be my unmarried housewife?

2004-06-19T04:36:00.000+08:00

"I don't want the person im with to change for me..."

"I want the person i'm with to be herself..."

Bullshit.

Spending a Friday night at home, no friends to call, no party to go to, basically no life of my own. This is not my life. This is not me.

This is change.

And why not just go out myself you might ask?

Well i might have done so if you hadn't call me at 7pm after i just reached home from work to inform me that you have a friend's birthday to attend and there is no time to come home and pick me up.

Bullshit.

And when you called me at midnight i knew you were gonna do a cinderella on me. So to avoid displaying my displeasure with a bad attitude and unhappy voice i decided not to pick up. The wonders of technology made sure you got your sms text message through loud and clear that you would not be coming home tonight and staying at your other place cus you are busy tommorow.

Bullshit.

When you introduced me as 'your driver' to friends since you lost your license I kept mum to save your ego. I'm nobody's driver, I'm the me you met whom you said you didn't want to change. I'm still the same person whom you somehow had the romantic notion of asking to be 'your unmarried housewife' just cus you saw that i can do some housework and cook.

I'm nobody's housewife, married or otherwise.

A Quick quickie...

2004-06-18T17:07:00.000+08:00

No. There isn't any erotic literature in this post.

I've just come from the last meeting with my Boss (yay!) and have 10 minutes (yeah yer thinking is this my definition of the timespan of a quickie..heh..NO) to just enter some random ramblings before i run out of the office..

Its official, my bummer unemployed days begins Thurdays 24th June.

YAY!

But the downside is that i still have to make one last trip to China next week to settle some designer stuff for the work im publishing for the company. While my Boss is happily galavanting in Singapore for the whole week..milk this cheap labour for all she's worth..thats my Boss's motto..

The day a tech idiot decided to attack technology head on..

2004-06-17T17:00:00.000+08:00

I have not done an ounce of work today.

Probably a combination of feeling crappy from being sick, feeling the impending emptiness of being unemployed after i stop work next week and lots of worrying about nothing and everything.

Hence the sudden fervor in starting a new blog. I've heard stories about blogger being complicated and yeah, for a tech idiot i guess im stumped. I took a course called 'Internet Marketing' in university which gave us a 45-hour crash course of in html, ftp, xml, dns and the lists goes on. Not surprisingly i learnt nearly nothing.

Now suddenly faced with the prospect of having alot of time on my hands the next few weeks while i pray that companies in HK and Spore will call me in for interviews, i have resolved to learn a new skill...

The result of my sudden enthusiam? I took 2 hrs to figure out how to upload my picture onto the blogger profile.

Don't laugh.

I didnt think i would ever need to use the skills when i can just use dreamweaver...

I think im not moving from Xanga to Blogspot already. I will dedicate xanga to my public rantings and blogspot for my more personal posts...cus my dad already has my link on xanga and im not to thrilled at the idea of him reading about my bf woes haha

in the meantime this is my shout out to bloggers...H E L P.

A new convert...

2004-06-17T10:24:00.000+08:00

Author's edit: Im hooked onto the attractive interface of blogspot so im moving over from xanga, till the move is complete

My usual blog

Mandapanda